#whereas just having a go at them before they've been here long enough to get WHY people don't like the defaults

[beeseverywhen]

icons

so i’ve noticed a few ppl following me on here still have default icons and i’m not gonna block you so dw, if you are reblogging stuff/interacting or have a description or whatever, i can see you are a real person!

however, i always see overly negative posts about this and never any actually offering any advice so i’ve decided to make a post collecting together ideas for icons, in case you guys just dont know where to start (i’ve been there)

so:

i think one of these bottle caps would make a cool icon

these pies from animal crossing are also pretty cool

this (@oldwindowsicons) a blog full of old windows icons which is pretty cool. They have old style pixel ones and also newer ones from vista ect. And they collect ones from other software and games, you might find one from your childhood!!!

if you are particularly attatched to your default icon, this person (@anonymous-leemur ) makes edits of them! so they are still the same little guys but different (and very cool imo)

there are loads of other blogs dedicated to collecting icons for ppls use so see if you can find any others!

other options:

there is an icon tag! where ppl post icons theyve made for people to use

is there an artist you really like on here? send them a message and ask if you can use a piece of their art as a header/icon (many artists are completely fine with this, tho in the case of art you should always ask)

if they do commissions you can even commission a custom icon from them!

are you an artist? share some of your art with us! draw yourself an icon

particularly like a certain character? take a screenshot from a show/published comic and use that

take a photo of something you like or find a stock image/ clipart on search and use that. your icon could be your favourite fruit, an animal,  a tool you need for your job/hobby, a landscape, any other object (picture of an orange??? a fish? a paintbrush)

pretty much, the world is your oyster. there are loads of options, the general etiquette is just that if an image isnt in the public domain already (by being in a show/published comic/stock image) you check with the artist that they are cool with you using their art. if someone is posting stuff tagged as icons, they want you to use them and you dont need to ask! some artists will ask that you credit them, you can do this by making a post saying thanks to @[artist] for the icon/header

[youunravelme]

the worst wing-woman

author's note: just like all my other fics, we are existing in an alternate plane where tito was never traded. also i've never worked for the nhl, so i have no idea how accurate being a photographer is but guess what. idgaf. also sorry for the amount of italics in this fic, i have no self control apparently. and shoutout to my new friend @dani746 for helping me with this monstrosity.

summary: you've been in love with mat barzal for as long as you can remember, so what do you do when he asks for your help to win over your friend?

pairing: mat barzal x islanders photographer!reader

warnings: cursing and low self esteem

despite working for the isles for two years now, you still got nervous walking into work.

you weren't a stranger to the team, some of them you knew quite well. anders and marty being two players you were friendly with (mainly due to the fact that you were somewhat friendly with their wives). but there was always one player who eluded you, who you'd only ever had professional interactions with.

mathew barzal.

and it shouldn't be surprising, you were a measly photographer whereas he was the star player of his team, the winner of the calder trophy, an nhl heartthrob. why should he pay attention to you?

media day was one of your favorite days, mainly because it was the closest you ever got to holding full conversations with him. not that the conversations went anything beyond "look right here" or "great job, mat."

you didn't even think he knew your name.

the longest conversation you had with him consisted of him asking to see the photos you took and patting you on your back when he liked what he saw before he went off to talk to tito.

"you having a good day?" you nearly jumped a foot in the air when your staring was cut off by anders walking up to you.

"yeah," you said when your heartbeat returned to normal. "just busy is all." you held your camera up as if that was enough of an explanation.

anders nodded. "any of the boys giving you a hard time?"

you shook your head rapidly. "nope, they've all been on their best behavior."

"even barzy and beauvillier?" at the mention of their names, the duo turned their heads and locked eyes with you and anders.

you wanted to dig a hole and die in it.

"what about us?" mat asked, sauntering over with his best friend right behind him.

"you haven't been giving her a hard time, have you?" anders crossed his arms. and if you weren't panicking at the closing distance between you and mat, you might've noticed the shared smirk between the three hockey players in front of you.

"us?" tito asked. "why would you think that? we've only ever been angels."

before anders could ask you to corroborate tito's story, your name was called. you awkwardly waved to the three men before walking over to another set of props, ready to photograph another hockey player.

"done embarrassing yourself?" your coworker tyler asked.

you lightly shoved his shoulder. "shut up."

"seriously, you're not his type," he added. "he's not gonna go for you."

tyler might as well have stabbed you in the gut with how much his words hurt you, but you put a smile on and nodded. "yeah, i know. i know."

and you did.

you knew.

but you'd be delusional for a little while longer if it meant going to work wouldn't suck every day.

later that night, you found yourself at a bar with a group of your friends. you didn't want to go originally, but when alexa said she needed to go out to get over her ex, you felt like you had no other choice.

which is how you found yourself sipping a soda water in a booth while your friends danced and took body shots.

your gaze wandered around the bar aimlessly before you checked your phone for the time.

you'd only been there for an hour.

it took all self restraint not to bang your head against the table.

"having fun?" your head snapped up at the familiar voice only to see anthony beauvillier standing at the edge of your booth with a self satisfied smirk.

"i--"

"i didn't take you as one to go out drinking on a weeknight," he said.

you slumped into your seat. "i'm not. my friend alexa wanted to go out because her boyfriend just dumped her and she wanted a distraction."

anthony took the seat opposite of you. "and that is...?" he gestured at your drink.

"soda water," you answered. "i'm the DD for tonight."

"oof," he groaned before taking a sip of his beer. "that's rough."

you shrugged. "it's not that bad, i'd rather my friends get home safe than get drunk and show up to work hungover."

anthony nodded in a way that you'd seen other men do, the type of nod that comes right before someone looks around for someone more interesting to talk to.

"but what about you?" you rushed out, nearly tripping over your own words.

tito smiled. "what about me?"

"why're you here?"

he shrugged. "mat wanted to come out and didn't want to go out alone, so here i am."

mat.

you wanted to vomit.

"oh," you mumbled. "mat's here?"

tito nodded and gestured with his bottle to the bar. "he's over there talking to some brunette."

you followed with your eyes and when you finally locked eyes on him, you wished you hadn't.

he was talking to alexa, smiling at her the way you wished he'd smile at you.

maybe you could leave the bar and get hit by a taxi on the way out, that would be less painful than seeing the man you're in love with flirt with your friend.

"you okay?" anthony asked, nudging your leg with his foot.

you turned your gaze back to him and attempted to give him your most convincing smile. "i'm great!" you said before throwing your soda water back and coughing when the carbonation burned.

anthony didn't say a word.

when you looked back at the bar, alexa was nowhere to be found while mat was fiddling with one of his wristbands. you looked around to find alexa, thinking maybe she was in the crowd dancing or perhaps she was in line for the bathroom.

but she popped up at your table, sweaty and smiling.

"you good?" she asked before fixing her eyes on anthony who was sipping on his beer. "who's this?"

"anthony. i know him from work." tito gave her a small wave before taking another sip of his beer.

"alexa," she smiled before her attention focused back on you. "i actually met one of your coworkers, mat right?"

you forced a smile and nodded. "the one and only. what did you think?" though, to be fair, you didn't really want to know her opinion on him. not when you thought the world of him.

alexa shrugged and tossed her perfect hair over her perfect shoulder and gave a perfect smile that was a healthy balance of nonchalant and mildly interested. "he was alright, he knows he's attractive which is rather unattractive if you ask me."

tito choked on his beer while you stared in awe.

of all the words you'd use to describe mat, "alright" was not even close to the top 25.

"something funny?" alexa asked.

"nope," tito supplied, shaking his head. "nothing at all."

alexa looked at him, unconvinced, but didn't let it bother her. "i'm gonna go dance, you coming?" she asked.

you shook your head. "not really my scene."

alexa nodded and pranced off to the dance floor where the rest of your friends were grinding on strangers to the tune of some 2000s pop song.

"she's a delight," tito said.

you sighed. "she's practically miss america." you were too busy staring at her having fun to notice another person walk up to your booth until he was standing right in front of you with a question posed on the tip of his lips.

mat.

your mouth went dry at the sight of him.

"you know her?" he gestured over his shoulder to where alexa was laughing with one of your friends.

you nodded.

"are you two close?"

you shrugged.

mat sighed. "are you capable of speaking?"

tito spoke up. "mat, you just bombarded her without a single hello, chill."

mat pinched the bridge of his nose. "sorry, i just--she rejected me and i don't know why."

"you're too attractive and you know it," you blurted out before you could stop yourself. you quickly slapped a hand over your mouth like that would stop any other bullshit that might come out.

mat tilted his head and leaned in. "huh?"

"her words, not mine," you said like it would absolve you of any guilt.

"what do you mean by being 'too attractive' and 'knowing it'? how does that even make sense?"

you shrugged for what felt like the twelfth time that night. "alexa's not really into guys who are obsessed with their appearances. she just got out of a relationship with a guy like that," you explained.

mat ran a hand down his face before placing both hands on his waist. "so what do you suggest i do?" he groaned.

"i--"

he snapped his fingers and looked at you for what felt like the first time. it sent a chill down your spine that you had a problem suppressing. "can you help me?"

your mouth dropped open. "huh?"

"you're friends, right? can you help me win her over?"

you could list about a thousand other things you'd rather do. you could think of five just off the top of your head.

but he looked so earnest and willing and how could anyone possibly resist him when he looked at you like that--

"of course!" you smiled.

of course?! yes would've sufficed but now you've got him thinking you'd enjoy this. which you most certainly wouldn't.

oh who were you kidding? all attention was good attention when it came to mat barzal and you'd give anything to keep him looking at you.

"thank you!" he smiled before clapping tito on the shoulder. "ready to head out?"

anthony nodded before addressing you. "i had a nice time. see you tomorrow?"

you smiled and nodded, giving them both a small wave as they walked away. the second they were out the door, you thumped your head against the table.

playing wing-woman for mathew barzal.

what the fuck was wrong with you?

how to be a wing-woman: a guide

usually when you went to work, you kept your head down and stayed out of the way. occasionally, you'd run into anders or marty, or maybe even tito, who would say their polite hellos, but for the most part you stayed out of the way during practices.

you were looking at the photos you just took when someone banged on the glass. a quick glance (that turned into a double take) let you figure out it was mat based on the 13 on his jersey and the fact that you could pick him out of a crowd anywhere.

he waved and smiled (and you might've died inside). "can i talk to you after practice?"

you nodded frantically before gaining a semblance of self respect and slowing down.

"great! meet you outside of the locker rooms!" he said before skating away.

"what was that about?" tyler asked. you turned, not even realizing he'd made his way towards you considering you thought he was on the other side of the arena.

"what? can't i talk to the players?"

tyler laughed. actually laughed. "considering barzal has never so much as looked at you, i'd say him approaching you during practice is pretty strange."

your shoulders sunk at the weight of the truth. "if you must know," you started. "he wants to date one of my friends, so i'm helping him out."

tyler laughed again and walked away without saying another word while you scrolled through the photos you took again until practice ended.

you headed towards the locker rooms only when the last player had been off the ice for ten minutes, you didn't want to chance waiting around too long looking like an idiot.

as you waited, you made a mental note of all the editing you'd have to do when you got back to your cubicle. you got a few good shots earlier, but they'd need some tweaking before you sent them to the social media team. in fact--

"hey, what're you doing here?" you glanced up and saw anders, hair wet from whatever brief shower he took.

you shrugged, not sure if it was your place to give away mat's intentions. "just waiting around."

"for?" he pushed.

"barzy needs her to play wing-woman," tito said from over anders' shoulders. "he wants to get with her friend, but her friend isn't interested."

anders threw his head back and laughed. "barzy not getting a girl? that's fucking hilarious."

tito smirked. "tell him what your friend said" he told you.

"she doesn't like that he knows he's attractive," you mumbled.

if it was even possible, anders laughed even louder. "un-fucking-believable."

"what's so funny?" mat walked up, running a hand through his damp hair.

you said "nothing" at the same time anders asked "you got rejected, barzy?"

mat's face dropped before looking at you and tito accusingly. anthony sighed and nudged his best friend. "chill out, barz. she didn't bring it up, i did."

mat's shoulders relaxed before he punched tito in the arm. "dick," he mumbled.

anders looked between the three of you and sighed. "i don't have time for this shit," he said. "i'll see you later." and he was off down the hallway.

"so what's the plan for today?" tito asked.

"you're not included," mat said. his gaze focused on you. "can i have your number?"

you blinked. "what?"

mat laughed a little and you could feel heat and shame running up your spine. he asked you one fucking question and you had to go act like a weirdo. "so i can text you? i think we should sit down and create a strategy."

you nodded and read off your number as he typed it into his phone. "great," he gave you his megawatt smile. "i'll text you."

"okay," you breathed out as he walked away without a thought.

tito kept standing there, smirking to himself. "you're so fucked," he said.

you nodded because there was nothing else to say.

step one: talk him up

you and mat got lunch two days later on a saturday when he didn't have a game. it was rather surreal, sitting across from him in public. the delusional part of you was begging you to imagine this as a date instead of a meeting to set your friend up with mat.

when did your life turn into something so pathetic?

"okay," he started. "tell me about your friend."

you would rather do anything else.

"she just got out of a long term relationship with this guy named jared. he was a bit self absorbed which is probably why she didn't like you knowing how hot you are." you paused as the words left your mouth, ready to set yourself on fire if he reacted. but he didn't, he only leaned in closer to listen. "she uh--she likes daffodils and goes to the farmer's market at union square every saturday."

"but what's she like?" he asked. "what's her personality?"

how would you say she's the trademarked cool girl? the girl every guy wanted, that mat was one man in a long list of men who tried and failed to win her over.

"she's sweet and affectionate," you started. "she pretty girly on the outside but knows her way around a car. she grew up with three older brothers so she knows a fair bit about sports, just not hockey, but if you wanted to talk stats about football or basketball, she's your girl. in college, she held the record for fastest shotgun in her sorority."

you racked your brain for more information about your friend, but it was difficult under pressure to sum up someone you'd known since freshman year of college.

"what else?" mat asked.

"she's a bit of a partier, but knows how to settle down and just chill. she's a really good friend, like last year i dated this guy who was cheating on me the entire duration of our relationship, which i should've known about because he said he had to go on business trips all the time but he worked as a barista, and she held me while i cried for three days straight and even threatened to fuck up his car."

mat stared at you without saying anything in a way that made you want to sink into a hole, never to be seen again. "you dated a barista and thought he needed to go on business trips?"

you blinked. "that's what you got from that? me dating a shitty barista?"

he shrugged. "i heard everything else, but that was definitely the funniest part. how long did you date him?"

"six months," you replied quickly. "but that's not the point! alexa is going to play hard to get because she doesn't want anything too serious right now."

"great! neither do i!"

"but she's not a one night stand kind of girl anymore. so if you want her, you have to prove to her you can be serious enough for a relationship but not serious enough that you get clingy and overbearing and propose within six months."

mat blinked at you. "how the hell does that make sense?"

"believe me, there's a balance."

he sat back in his chair and crossed his arms. "and you would know this how?"

"well i uh--" you sputtered. your nerves were only encouraged by his light chuckling. "all girls know these things! we don't want overly possessive boyfriends but we also want someone to care. it shouldn't be that hard to comprehend."

"it's not," he defended. "just a little...complicated, don't you think?"

"alexa's a complicated girl!"

he sighed and ran a hand down his face. "okay so how do i show her i mean business but that i'm not looking to settle down and get married?"

"i guess i could talk you up to her in passing conversation?"

"what would you tell her? we don't know each other very well."

"i know more than you think!"

"please, share with the class."

shit.

do you confess that in the two years you'd worked for the islanders that you watched him borderline obsessively?

"well, i know you're good with kids, if your interactions with young fans is anything to go by. you don't like dogs, which is a bit of a red flag in my book, but alexa shouldn't mind. you're a fantastic hockey player, and a great teammate."

"is that enough to convince her?"

you grimaced and shook your head. "she's a bit more personable. she one time broke up with a guy because he was rude to waitstaff. she would want to know how you treat non millionaires and authority figures. for instance, how much do you tip a server?"

"25%," he replied. "but why does that matter?"

"alexa used to be a server throughout college and couldn't stand people who she knew had money but would cheap out on the tip because she didn't greet them fast enough."

mat opened his mouth, presumably to ask another question, when his phone started ringing. "shit," he mumbled. "listen, i gotta go. it was nice talking to you, i'll be in touch." he pulled out a few twenty dollar bills and put them on the table before getting up and walking away.

you waited for the server to come back before paying the bill and told them to keep the change before you got up and walked home.

when you got back to your apartment, alexa was already standing at the door, waiting to be let in.

"finally," she said. "i was wondering when you were gonna come home."

"you could've texted me," you said while unlocking the door.

she followed you inside and shut the door behind her. "i could've, but your phone was on do not disturb for some reason, so i doubt my texts would've gone through in time. where were you anyway?"

"getting lunch with a friend from work," you replied.

alexa groaned as she all but collapsed onto your couch. "please tell me it's not tyler. i hate how he treats you."

you dropped your bag by the door and headed back to your room, but not before calling over your shoulder. "he's not that bad, he's like that to everyone!"

"doesn't make it any better!"

you changed into some comfortable clothing before joining alexa on your couch. "did you have fun the other night when we went out to the bar?"

alexa looked at you weirdly.

shit. you must not have been as subtle as you thought.

"i did," she said. "but what makes you ask."

you shrugged. "i know it's been rough with your breakup lately, but i saw you talking to mat and you looked happy."

alexa groaned and sunk into the couch. "i thought we talked about this already. he knows he's attractive, it's such a turn off. you should've seen the way he was talking, it was like he knew that if he gave me a look, i'd be going home with him."

"well he's really nice, i promise! you should see him with kids at the stadium--"

"you mean the kids who idolize him? yeah i bet he's real nice to them."

okay, switch strategies.

"he tips waitstaff really well!"

"with what he makes? he better." alexa sighed. "listen, i'd be more impressed if he could tell me anything about you, but seeing as you've worked there for two years and he couldn't tell me anything other than your name the other night says all i need to know about him. so can we talk about something else?"

you nodded, ignoring the jutting pain in your chest at her words. you knew well enough that mat knew nothing about you, why would he? but to hear it come from the mouth of someone else stung.

getting them together was gonna be harder than you originally thought.

step two: get them interacting

you were dreading the next time you saw mat for the first time in your life. you were in your cubicle editing photos from the game that night to be posted tomorrow to distract yourself from the inevitable conversation you'd have to have with him. tyler, unfortunately got the shot that was posted immediately to the islanders' instagram account to celebrate their win over the rangers and he had no problem letting you know it. and while it was annoying, it served as a great distraction from your other problem.

"maybe you'll get it next time," he sneered as he packed his bag. most days you hated the fact that you were cubicle neighbors, but neither of you were powerful enough to request moving spaces. and even if you could, you knew it would just make you look hard to work with.

"have a good night, tyler," you replied, not even wanting to give him any ammo to use against you.

the door shut behind him with a click, locking you into sweet sweet silence.

until a minute later when your phone went off with a text message.

mat barzal: where ru?

mat barzal: wanna go to a bar with me and tito and you can bring alexa?

you scoffed. "you can bring alexa," you mocked under your breath. "like that's not the sole reason for you asking me to go out tonight." you packed your bag up and shot a quick text to alexa, asking if she wanted to go out. she replied with an immediate yes, asking where to meet you, which prompted you to reach out to mat who sent you an address in response.

which is how you ended up on a sidewalk in front of an incredibly busy bar with alexa next to you.

"i've never been here," she remarked. "how'd you hear about it?"

"oh, a coworker mentioned it," you said in what was hopefully a nonchalant manner.

she looked at you a moment too long before grabbing your hand and pulling you inside. "you find us a place to sit and i'll grab our drinks!" she shouted over the music.

you quickly looked around for mat and tito, the former who'd texted you the second they arrived. you saw a head of dark hair and immediately knew it was mat. you hurried over, panting when you arrived from having to shove your way towards them.

"you made it!" anthony said. you looked at him and mat, eyes bouncing back and forth between them, when you realized your first problem.

they were sitting on opposite sides of the booth.

which meant you would have to sit with one of them, and alexa would have to sit with the other. if mat had it his way, he'd sit next to alexa, but you knew your friend wouldn't have that. she'd feel manipulated and uncomfortable.

"is there a problem?" tito asked.

you gestured to the booth. "alexa will want to sit by me. she's still not convinced about you, mat."

mat, to his credit, didn't look shocked or offended, he just shrugged and moved to tito's side. "this work?" he asked as you sat down.

you nodded.

"so what's the plan? how should i approach this?" he asked.

"keep the conversation on her, when she tries to turn it on you or about your career, focus on other people, applaud your teammates, your coaches, but whatever you do, don't talk about yourself too much. she already thinks you have a big ego."

"to be fair," tito started. "he does."

mat didn't even dignify that with a response. "so keep the conversation on her and others, got it."

alexa found you a moment later and didn't do a great job covering up her disinterest in sitting with mat and beau.

"i couldn't find anywhere to sit," you explained.

alexa didn't buy it if her eyes bouncing around the bar to find empty tables said anything. but she sat next to you anyway, placing your drink in front of you.

"you remember mat and anthony from the other night, right?" you asked.

she just hummed and took a sip of her drink.

"so, alexa," mat started. "what do you do for a living?"

she stared at him and sighed. "i'm a vet tech," she said, but offered no other information.

"she especially loves the cats," you added.

"cats are great!" mat said a little too enthusiastically.

alexa drained the rest of her glass and got up, leaving the three of you behind.

the second she was gone, beau broke into laughter, slapping his own chest. "that was fucking hilarious," he said.

"yeah yeah yeah, laugh it up," mat grumbled, swirling his cup around instead of making eye contact with anyone.

"i'm serious, i don't think i've ever seen you fail so quickly. it's kind of amazing."

mat focused his eyes on you. "what did i do wrong? i tried asking about her life and she seemed wholly uninterested."

you shrugged. "i don't know! maybe she feels cornered?"

tito took a sip of his beer. "i think you need to workshop this. clearly, neither of you thought this through."

you groaned and rested your head on the table.

this was already harder than you anticipated.

step three: reevaluate and regroup

you met mat in a booth of a coffee shop after you got off work. he was staring at his phone when you walked in, completely unaware that you even existed.

which wasn't abnormal considering you didn't even think he knew who you were a few months ago. but the second the barista called your order out, his head whipped up.

you could've sworn time stopped at that moment.

you made your way towards him and plopped down in the booth opposite of him.

"hi," you smiled. "what's up?"

"i don't know what to do, she doesn't seem interested in me." he groaned into his hands before running one of them through his hair.

god he was so attractive.

you snapped out of your reverie. "listen, you've got what it takes, we just need to reevaluate our strategy. i think the bar thing was a bad idea, she felt ambushed and it probably set us back a little, but i have an idea."

he leaned his forearms on the table. "let's hear it."

"practice dates," you said.

mat blinked once. twice. a third time before he spoke. "practice dates?"

"okay hear me out," you said, pulling a notepad out of the bag you brought. "i have a list of things that alexa likes to do and i was thinking, you and i can do them and work on conversations and how to approach her. so when the time comes, you don't feel out of your element."

"who said i feel out of my element?"

you stared at him. "you said last night 'cats are great!' and expected conversation to flow naturally."

"okay so not my best moment."

"not even close." you sighed. "listen, i wanna help you, and i feel like this is your best bet in winning her over."

mat ran a hand down his face. "okay fine. what's the first date?"

practice date one: pumpkin patch

to be quite frank, you were nervous when proposing the idea, scared that he wouldn't be willing to sit in a car with you for three hours just to get to the pumpkin patch. and maybe he would find it childish.

when in fact, he said nothing about the long car ride, he even offered to pick you up from your apartment, and laughed when you offered to pay for gas. when you finally arrived, you jumped out of mat's car like an excited child. mat stepped out like he knew he was the romantic lead in a movie, suave and collected.

you two could not be more opposite of each other.

it took everything in you to focus on the task at hand, and not fall deeper in love with him. but how could you not? when he looked so boyfriend in a coat and flannel and beanie and jeans that hugged his thighs just right--

you were getting ahead of yourself. you were doing this for mat and alexa, not your own selfish ambition.

"so what's the plan?" he asked after locking his car with the key fob.

you shrugged. "what would you do if you were here with alexa?" the words tasted bitter in your mouth. it was such a painful reminder, knowing that this wasn't real and was in service to hook him up with your friend.

mat looked around and shoved his hands in his pockets. "corn maze?" he pointed. you must've made a face because he spoke up again. "what?"

"alexa hates corn mazes."

he paused. "to the pumpkin patch then?" you nodded and followed his lead. "so how did you meet alexa?"

"she was my first roommate in college, we shared the smallest dorm in history."

"that sounds like an exaggeration."

"says the man who never went to college."

he laughed. "i don't need a college education to identify a hyperbole when i hear one."

you gasped and looked at him with wide eyes. "a hyperbole? what a word."

"laugh it up," he said. "but i'm not a complete idiot, you know."

"never said you were. i just haven't heard anyone use hyperbole in a sentence outside of my english lit classes."

"well, you should know i'm full of surprises."

the two of you approached the pumpkin patch and started weaving between families and the occasional rogue toddler. mat had to tug you out of the way a few times when you about stepped on a child because you were gazing at pumpkins.

"if you don't mind me asking," mat started. "why are you helping me? you don't owe me anything. i feel like i'm taking advantage of your kindness."

you shrugged. "you wouldn't be the first one."

"what's that supposed to mean?" you looked up from the pumpkin patch to see mat's brows furrowed together and his mouth twisted in a cute frown.

"well, i mean, i've been told i have a habit of being a doormat at times."

"who said that?" his tone had changed to a softer one.

"huh?" you asked.

"who called you a doormat?"

you shrugged again, that seemed to be your go to move around him. you squatted down to look at a particularly fat pumpkin, inspecting all sides of it before you responded. "i've heard it all my life, some have said it in meaner ways, others have been nicer about it."

"i'm sorry," he said.

you stood to your full height which was still much shorter than mat's. "why? it's not like it's not true."

"what if i helped you?"

it was your turn to frown. "help me? with what? ice skating?"

mat rolled his eyes. "no, with confidence. maybe even get you a date."

you guffawed, mouth opening and closing like a fish. "what?"

mat pulled you out of the way of yet another child and kept his hand on your elbow until you were clear of the pumpkin roots. and if your heart stopped for a few seconds, that was your business, no one else's. "you heard me. you're young, single, and attractive and you spend all your free time at the office or DDing for your friends. we can work on your confidence and get you out there."

"i don't know..." though your mind was still focused on the fact that he'd called you attractive.

"what about that other photographer guy? tony?"

you cackled. straight up burst into laughter. "tyler? that's fucking hilarious mat."

"what?" the two of you continued down the patch, occasionally gazing at the pumpkins, but mostly just talking. "you two are always talking."

talking or being insulted?

you shook your head. "enough about me, we're here for alexa."

mat nudged you with his elbow. "actually we're here for me to win alexa over."

you kicked a small stone with the toe of your shoe and said nothing. the tragedy of your own personal situation wasn't lost on you, neither was the idiocy of your plan. what were you thinking, spending your free time with mat? to win over your friend?

it was textbook self inflicted torture.

"where'd you go?" mat nudged you again. "i lost you there for a second."

you bent down and picked up a smaller pumpkin. "what do you think about this one?"

"it looks fine. you're ignoring my question."

you juggled the pumpkin back and forth in your hands to determine if you liked it or not. "what question?" you looked up just in time to see mat roll his eyes, but he dropped the topic anyway.

the both of you walked over to the stall to pay for the pumpkin. you reached into your tote bag to grab your wallet, but mat was already holding out a five dollar bill to the vendor.

"you didn't have to--"

"do you wanna get some cider?"

you could've started drooling at the idea of drinking cider. "yes!"

mat chuckled and started walking towards the cider stand where a small family waited in front of you. "does alexa like cider?" he asked.

"what a random question."

"well you're not giving me anything to work with!"

you almost groaned. because he was right. you got caught up in the idea of hanging out with mat outside of work that you forgot the real reason both of you were there in the first place.

"she loves cider, especially when it's spiked. she also loves mulled wine." mat scrunched his face up. "not a fan?" you asked.

"warm wine? no thank you."

mat paid for the cider, going as far as having the cash ready before you could even order.

"you really don't have to keep buying things. i can pay!"

"oh this is all a bribe to get you to go through that corn maze with me."

your face dropped. "alexa doesn't like mazes."

"so i won't go with her next time, but you're here now and i wanna go."

you let him drag you along until you were in the thick of the maze. you let him guide the both of you through it like he knew what he was doing even though you were pretty sure you hit every possible dead end in the maze.

two little kids ran past giggling and smiling. "we found the end, mama!"

you almost laughed at the look of irritation on mat's face.

it took an obscene amount of time to get through the maze, and mat was in a much worse mood when it was all over.

needless to say, the ride home was quiet.

practice date 2: dinner at mat's

you weren't quite sure what mat was planning on making for dinner, but you were willing to bet the smell of smoke wasn't a part of the plan.

the scene when you walked into his apartment could only be described as chaotic. the smoke detector was going off and when you walked into the kitchen, mat was going between waving a towel under the detector and opening every window in his kitchen.

"you weren't supposed to be here yet!" he shouted over the noise before darting past you into the living room to open the windows in there.

you dropped your things on the counter and took over waving the towel under the smoke detector.

"what happened?" you asked.

"i suck at cooking!" he came back in the kitchen and took the towel from you. "i'm taller," he said like that was an explanation.

the beeping ceased and left the two of you in a hazy apartment. when you looked around the kitchen, you saw what had to be charred meat and veggies in a skillet.

"okay so when you cook dinner for alexa, don't. just hire a chef."

mat held up his phone. "or order pizza. you in?"

"do i get to financially contribute?"

he gestured to your belongings on the counter, one of which was a bottle of red wine. "you already did."

"you can't keep buying everything," you said. "it's not fair."

"why not? i'm the millionaire here, i'd look like a dick if i made you pay for anything. besides, when i date alexa, it's not like i'm gonna let my girlfriend pay."

girlfriend.

right.

that was the end goal for him.

you kept forgetting.

you cleared your throat and dusted your hands on your pants despite them being clean.

"you can go pick out a movie or something while i order the pizza?" mat suggested.

you had no choice but to nod and wander into his moderately decorated living room. it definitely still looked like a bachelor pad, but if a bachelor had enough money to hire someone to say he needed artwork, decorative pillows, and a couch that wasn't brown.

you were scrolling through netflix when mat came into the living room and plopped on the sectional beside you, shucking his shoes off. why he was wearing shoes in his own apartment was beyond you, but you weren't one to judge.

"you look nice," he commented, as if just noticing you for the first time that night.

you looked down at your own outfit. it was a pair of jeans and a nice blouse. "this?"

"are you wearing something else that i'm not seeing?" he teased.

before you could die of embarrassment, you switched subjects. "what do you want to watch? i haven't made a decision yet." you handed the remote to him, hating being the one to make the decisions.

he shifted on the couch so he was sitting up instead of lounging on the chaise and took the remote. "what's alexa's favorite movie?"

"birdbox."

mat did a double take. "she likes birdbox?"

you shrugged. "she's into suspense."

mat was about to select birdbox until he took one look on your face. you don't know what you looked like but it made him pause. "but are you?"

"why do you care what i like?"

"because you're here, alexa's not. i don't wanna make you watch something you'd hate." mat shifted on the couch. "why don't we work on those dating tips i talked to you about."

"oh i don't think--"

"why not?" he asked. "you're always so jittery whenever we talk about it."

oh.

was he referring to the other day after practice when he saw tyler tormenting you and mat misinterpreted that as flirty banter? mat had come up to you afterwards to give you pointers but you practically ran away.

"it's not that simple, mat."

"i think it is."

you threw your hands up. "well then, by all means you must be right."

"what's with the attitude?" he asked. "did i say something?"

it was a good question. one that shouldn't make you want to cry, but life felt overwhelming in all the worst ways. between tyler harassing you every second of every day and pretending like you weren't in love with mat so you could set him up with your friend, and taking photos for games and practices, you were exhausted.

"i'm not sober enough for this," you said before getting up and popping the cork on the wine bottle and drinking straight from it.

it was another thirty minutes before the pizza arrived and the both of you were well on your way to wine drunk, you more so than mat. who could blame you though? your life was a sad excuse for a single twenty-something and you were tired of thinking about it.

"truth is," mat started with a mouth full of pizza. "you just need to act like you're the best thing that's ever happened to this city. guys love confident women."

"and that's your biggest issue with alexa right now."

"wanna switch personalities?"

you laughed.

"what?" he asked. "what's so funny?"

"i'm trying to picture you without an ego and i don't think it's possible."

mat rolled his eyes but had a smile on his lips anyway. it shouldn't have made your heart pound the way it did, but you were weak for that man, you had been since day one.

so you switched courses.

"okay," you started. "how do i make get a guy to wanna date me?"

mats eyes nearly bugged out of his head. "you're serious?"

you nodded. "as a heart attack."

mat sat up on the couch and faced you. his eyes scanned your face like he was looking for something but couldn't find it. maybe he was looking for a reason to change the subject.

"alright," he said. "you gotta be confident, even if you don't feel like it. most guys don't mind a little insecurity, they find it kinda cute, but a guy who wants an insecure girl is a red flag."

"should i be taking notes or...?" you took a large sip of your wine and smiled when mat rolled his eyes again.

"secondly, you can't be hiding behind your camera all the time."

you guffawed. "i do not hide behind my camera!"

"oh give me a break, you totally do! you walk around like it's a safety blanket or something."

"because it is!"

"exactly my point! thirdly, chivalry isn't dead. if he's not doing basic things like opening doors, walking on the closest side to the street, and he's only talking about himself? run."

"what? he can't be a good person if he doesn't do those things?"

"if he can't do a basic kind gesture, he's not going to do larger ones. sorry. i don't make the rules."

you blinked. "but you kinda are making the rules for me, right now."

"you're such a smart ass, just like tito."

"is that a good or bad thing?"

mat shrugged and took another bite of pizza. "hard to say, i love tito most days."

love.

don't be an idiot and read into things.

"so," mat leaned back into the couch. "i gave you advice, it's my turn. how do i win over alexa?"

you thought back to the conversation you had with her a few weeks ago about mat. and one comment stuck out the most. "i think the biggest sin you committed was not knowing anything about me despite working together for two years," you admitted shyly.

mat's brows furrowed in that cute way they always did. "what do you mean?"

"she said she's not impressed by you being nice to kid fans or tipping waitstaff. she would be impressed if you knew anything about me because i'm not a hockey player."

mat recoiled as if physically struck by your words. "she thinks that low of you?"

"no she didn't mean to say you were--" you paused. "me? you think she has a low opinion of me?"

mat crossed his arms. "she just insinuated that you weren't important enough for me to know."

"no! that's not what she meant! she was saying that you think you're better than me."

"that's not even remotely true." and he said it so confidently, you almost believed him. "it's not, you know that right?"

you hesitated and you might as well have punched him in the gut.

mat said your name so softly like it was precious. like it was something special. "you have to know, i have never, not once, believed you were beneath me."

you gave him a small smile. "you don't need to explain yourself to me, mat."

he reached over and grabbed your hand, tugging on it lightly. "no. i need you to know, you are important to me."

your heart fluttered at his words, or maybe it was the fact that you were holding hands and you could feel the calluses rub against your own palm.

you could've stayed there forever.

"jesus fucking christ, why does it smell like something burned in here?" the front door opened and slammed sending you and mat sprawling apart like you hadn't been locked in a staring contest and holding hands. tito rounded the corner and crossed his arms, a smug expression on his face. "what do we have here?"

"nothing!" you squeaked out. "i was just leaving!"

"no you weren't," mat started, eyes wide with an emotion you couldn't place. "beau was just leaving."

you looked as confused as tito was. "what? no i'm not." you glanced back at mat who could not have looked more annoyed if he tried. "or i can...?"

"no!" you said. "i need to get going anyway. got work tomorrow, long day."

mat stood up when he realized there was no convincing you. "i can walk you out--"

"don't worry about it! i'm a big girl." you were leaving when you heard whisper shouting. you couldn't fully make out what they were saying, but before you shut the front door behind you, you could've sworn you heard them mention "liking her."

you did your best not to let the talking break your heart even more.

practice date 3: ice skating

you made mat pick out the last date but he hadn't told you what it was, just asked for your shoe size.

aside from that?

radio silence.

maybe you should've seen this coming. you'd talked to alexa a few days ago and she'd suggested that maybe you should put yourself out there more, find a date, find a boyfriend, find some happiness.

after practice, you found yourself scrolling through your camera roll in one of the seats in the arena when a pair of skates came into your peripheral. you looked up expecting to see a mop of black hair and hazel eyes.

but it was tito with a sheepish grin on his face.

"hey," he said.

you put your camera down and smiled. it was always good to see tito, with the exception of the other night. "hey, what can i do for you?"

anthony playfully rolled his eyes. "you don't live to serve us," he said. "i don't need anything, just wanted to say hi."

"hi!" you smiled even brighter.

"i was wondering, what're you doing friday night?"

you jaw dropped. and it must've been funny because tito threw his head back and laughed. "what?"

tito smiled at you and gestured towards you. "i was wondering if you'd want to get dinner with me on friday. i don't know what time you get off work, but i was thinking 6:30?"

you blinked. you blinked again. "are you serious?"

"why wouldn't i be? you're attractive, single, and i like your company. i think we'd have a fun time."

"okay," you smiled again. have you ever smiled this much in your life? you were unsure. "okay yeah, friday at 6:30 is perfect."

"great," tito grinned. "can i have your number?" you handed your phone over rather quickly, watching as he typed his number in and texted himself. "i'll see you," he said.

"bye tito!" you waved until he was out of sight. and even then, you continued to stare at the spot he was once occupying.

"what the hell was that about?"

you jumped about a foot in the air when tyler made his comment from over your shoulder. "jesus fucking christ, tyler." you placed a hand over your heart to feel how rapidly it was beating. "are you some sort of lurker?"

"what did beauvillier want with you?" he condescended.

"it's none of your business." you rolled your eyes when your phone buzzed.

mat barzal: come down to the locker room.

"who is that?" he asked, peering over your shoulder, but you stood up and started walking away.

the both of you headed down to the locker rooms, though you weren't really enjoying the company. tyler kept talking about your lackluster photography skills like the both of you didn't have the exact same job title.

you were rounding the corner when you saw mat leaning up against the wall, still in his hockey gear. tyler, being confronted with an audience, immediately departed. if you had to guess, he probably went back to his office to scheme how else to make your life miserable.

"hey," you said as you approached. "what's up?"

mat reached down and tossed a duffle bag at your feet. "open the bag," he directed.

you squatted and opened the zipper to see a pair of ice skates. you looked up at mat who looked pleased with himself. "what're these for?"

"you ever been ice skating?" he asked.

the short answer? no.

the long answer? once in second grade for a field trip.

"kinda?" you said instead.

mat laughed, like an actual laugh. there was a shiver that went down your spine at the very sound of it. "it's a yes or no question."

"i would say yes, but i was like eight."

"yeah, doesn't really count anymore. grab the bag, let's go." he walked off without a second thought, leaving you scrambling with the bag and rushing after him.

"what's the point of this?" you called after him.

"you told me to pick the last date, this is it!"

you stopped walking immediately. "mat, i don't know if this is a good idea..."

as if sensing your hesitation, mat turned around and walked back towards you. he rested his hands on your shoulders and squeezed lightly, ducking his head down towards yours. "i'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you, i promise. you have nothing to be afraid of."

"what if my boss sees? what if lou sees? i'm a lot more replaceable than you are."

mat scoffed. "first of all, you're not replaceable. second of all, it's gonna be fine. i'll take all the heat if we get in trouble, which we won't because it's not a big deal." he reached down and grabbed your hand that wasn't holding the duffle bag. "now c'mon."

he led you out to the bench where you sat down and placed your camera on the bench. "take your shoes off and put these socks on." he tossed a pair of socks at your head that you barely caught in time.

"but i'm already wearing socks," you said.

"these are longer, unless you want the boot to cut into your ankle."

safe to say, you put the socks on.

mat knelt in front of you to help put the skates on, tying them up so they were secure on your feet.

you wanted to swoon at the sight of him before you. thankfully, he stood up and helped you to your feet before you could start imagining anything preposterous.

like him proposing.

you watched as mat slid over the top of the bench railing and onto the ice. he turned around and looked at you expectantly.

"oh hell no," you said. "where's the door, i'll use the door."

he cackled as you walked and opened the door, but skated to you anyway to give you some assistance when stepping onto the ice.

"easy does it," he said, chuckling when your grip was practically crushing his fingers. "you're okay, i'm not gonna let you fall."

"it's not you i don't trust, it's me."

mat kept a grip on your hands and led you out to the center of the ice. on the way to the center, you slipped twice, a squeak leaving your lips. you quickly latched onto mat who only laughed at your death grip on his forearms.

"it's not funny," you whined. "i'm terrified."

"you're right, it's not funny. but it is cute." he removed your hands from his arms and skated away from you. "okay, now come to me."

he was easily twenty feet away.

you glanced down at the ice and then back at mat. you would've sat down if you knew how to without eating it. "mat, i'm telling you right now, that's not gonna happen."

"it's not that hard."

"you've been skating since you were a child. i have not." you attempted to take a step forward, but thought differently of it. "besides, how does this help you with alexa?"

"easy," he said. "if i can teach you to skate, i can teach anyone."

"so your idea of a romantic date is a girl busting her ass over and over for an hour?"

"not quite," he said, skating circles around you.

literally.

"you're being an ass,' you whined. "why did the one practice date you pick out have to do with hockey?"

"because it's what i love. and if a girl can't hang with it, our relationship is doomed to fail."

you rolled your eyes. "that's a bit dramatic. you can appreciate and love hockey without having to ice skate. thousands of fans do it all the time."

"but my girlfriend won't be just a fan, now will she?"

your heart sank at the idea of alexa and mat in a similar situation. alexa actually trying to skate and looking beautiful while doing so. you pictured them laughing as she slipped and mat catching her before she could fall.

"you okay? i lost you again." mat skated right up to you, leaving maybe a foot of space between the two of you.

"yeah," you breathed. "just thinking."

mat smirked and skated backwards. "uh oh. that can't be good. less thinking more skating. would it help if i pushed you?"

"no!" you shrieked. "it definitely wouldn't!"

but it was too late. mat was skating up behind you and placing his hands on your waist. "relax," he murmured. "i'm not gonna push you without a little guidance."

relax?

relax?

when his hands were on your waist and he was mumbling in your ear?

how the hell was anyone supposed to live, laugh, love in these conditions?

mat added a little pressure to your back. and suddenly you were moving. "that's it," he praised. "now just move your feet."

it was easier with mat's hands on you, the sensation forcing you to focus on the warmth of his palms than the fact that you were skating on sharp knives.

"see? this isn't so bad, right?"

it wasn't too terribly bad, truth be told it was just like roller skating, just ten times scarier.

"yeah," you said. "not too bad."

"so you're ready to go by yourself?" his hands starting slipping away, leaving a burning sensation in their wake.

"i--"

but he was already skating away. he stopped about twenty feet away and smiled. "skate to me."

"mat--" your voice shook at the idea. skating with him was one thing, skating to him was another.

"hey," he said quietly. "eyes on me, okay? i'm not gonna let you fall, if i think you're gonna fall, i'll catch you. i was the fastest skater in 2020, remember?"

you nodded. "just like roller skating," you mumbled.

"except better," mat added.

you took a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other, slowly but surely gliding towards him. you started picking up pace the closer you got to him.

"mat?"

"you're doing great!" he smiled.

"i don't know how to stop!"

mat laughed even as he caught you. his arms gripped your biceps and his smile was a mile wide. "you okay?" he asked.

you couldn't help but smile. "yeah," you breathed.

there was hardly any room between the two of you. your heart was beating wildly in your chest at the proximity, the rush of skating alone, who knew? you surely didn't.

you looked into his eyes and could've sworn his gaze dropped to your chin, but you were known for your hopeless romantic delusions, so maybe--

"hey!" whatever trance you were in ended when you saw a man in coveralls standing at the end of the rink. "time's up, i gotta clean the ice!"

"sorry!" mat called. "we'll get out of your way!" he gently took your hand in his and skated the both of you back to the benches.

mat helped you take off your skates and walked you back up the tunnel towards the locker rooms. the both of you stopped just outside of them, considering mat still had to shower and go home while you had the rest of the day to do your work.

"this was really fun," you said. "terrifying but fun."

"i'm glad you enjoyed it." his smile just about made you collapse into a puddle.

but you got a grip on reality and nodded. "well, i hope this helps with alexa, i'll try to talk to her in the next day or so, see where her head is."

mat's jaw clenched but he nodded. "i'll be seeing you."

"bye, mat."

you might as well have been on cloud nine by the time you got up to your office. you were in a different zone, focused on the way that mat's hands felt on your body, in your own hand. the feeling of euphoria wouldn't leave your body, you were sure of it. nothing could take that feeling away.

until you got to your desk and saw tyler.

who was sitting on your desk and using a paper clip to get the dirt out from under his nails.

"what were you and barzal doing?" tyler asked, moving off your desk, instead choosing to lean up against the cubicle.

you ignored him.

"i asked you a question," he said.

"i heard you, tyler. but i have work to do." you signed into your computer and plugged your camera in, ready to start uploading and editing photos from practice and the game yesterday.

“do you really think sleeping your way through the roster will help you get your pics chosen for the social media accounts?” he sneered.

you froze, your fingers hovered over the keyboard. "what?"

"i said--"

"don't repeat it." another voice joined in and when you turned around to see who came in, you were flabbergasted.

mat.

"barzal i--"

"where do you get off talking to her like that? talking to anyone like that?" he stepped into the room, chest puffed out.

in all of your time working for the isles, mat had never been much of a fighter, but he looked ready to pummel tyler if need be.

"mat, it's fine," you mumbled.

"no, it's not. is this how he normally talks to you?"

you said nothing.

that only seemed to make mat angrier. "you need to go to HR about this. this is workplace harassment. now apologize," he directed at tyler.

"for what? speaking the truth? is this how you think you can get ahead in life?" tyler said to you. "first beauvillier now barzal?"

you and mat both froze. in the corner of your eye you could see his jaw clench before he looked at you.

"can you do your work from home?" he asked.

you nodded. "i just have a shit ton of editing but i can do that on my laptop--"

"great. i'll take you home."

"but my boss-"

"if anyone has a problem with it, they can talk to me. let's go." mat was spinning on his heel and walking out of the room as quickly as he came in. you were unplugging your camera and logging off your computer, packing up your things, before sprinting after him.

"mat! mat, wait up!"

he stopped walking and looked at you, an unfamiliar expression in his eyes. "can you wait for me outside the locker room? i still have to shower and change."

you nodded. "why did you come upstairs anyway?"

"to give you the skates." you glanced down at his empty hands. "i forgot the bag, and by that point, i was too lazy to go down and get them without you."

the both of you continued your walk until you got to the locker room.

"i'll be a few minutes and then i'll take you home."

true to his word, mat was only gone for ten minutes before coming out freshly showered and ready to go home. neither of you spoke until he was pulling the car out of the parking garage.

"what did tyler mean when he mentioned tito?" mat asked after moments of silence. his fists were gripping the wheel tightly, though you didn't know why.

"tito asked me to dinner on friday."

mat's fists tightened their grip on the wheel and his jaw clenched so hard, you were afraid he was going to chip some teeth.

"oh." was all he said.

"something wrong? i just figured for once i wouldn't be hiding behind my camera like you said and i thought it would be fun, you know? we get along fine. why? do you think i shouldn't go?"

"no!" mat said quickly. "no, i just, it just caught me by surprise is all. i'm sure you'll have fun."

"and i can give you alexa's number if you want to ask her out! she's coming over tonight so i can talk you up now that i know more about you, make it seem more genuine."

"yeah," he choked out. "yeah, that would be great."

mat pulled up to your apartment a few minutes later and watched as you got out. "i meant what i said in your office," he said. "you need to tell HR about tyler's behavior."

"i will." you probably wouldn't. "thanks, mat."

he nodded as you shut the door and waited for you to go inside before driving off.

you walked up the stairs to your apartment and unlocked the door. as you shut the door behind you, you felt the weight of today bearing down.

tito asking you out.

the moments with mat.

the slut shaming comment from tyler.

when did your life get so dramatic?

step 4: get her to say yes

you had alexa over that night, armed with a million reasons why she should say yes to mat.

and the one reason why she should say no was locked deep in your chest. your happiness and affection for him shouldn't deter her.

besides, you would eventually get over your silly little crush, right?

right?

"so what's new in your world? i feel like you've been so busy lately. it's kind of strange," alexa said before shoveling a forkful of pasta in her mouth. it should've been disgusting, but she made it look graceful.

"oh you know, just working."

"is that why you were in the middle of nowhere a few weeks ago? work?"

"what?"

"i checked your location, you were on a farm. didn't realize the isles was doing photoshoots that far out of the city."

"oh they're not," you explained. "i was with mat, we were just hanging out."

alexa blinked. "since when do you and mat hang out?"

ouch.

but true.

you couldn't come out and say it could you? that the reason the two of you started interacting was because he wanted to date alexa?

no, you couldn't.

so you lied.

"oh, the social media team wanted me to get some information on mat, like a get to know you segment. they wanted something outside of work, so we were just hanging out so i could write this article on him."

a complete lie. you haven't had to write anything on anyone since your college journalism class. but alexa didn't know that. you never told her what you do all day for work. for all she knew, you could be running the tiktok account.

alexa raised an eyebrow. "and how did that go? was he talking about himself the entire time?"

"no!" you said. but then you paused, realizing that getting defensive would just look suspicious. "he told me a lot about how he doesn't like mulled wine and loves corn mazes despite being absolutely shitty at them. he loves his friends and hockey, obviously. he refuses to let anyone pay for anything while you're with him because he has money and likes to treat people. and he sticks up for the people that are important to him. and once you're in with him, you don't have to worry about your place in his life or how important you are because he will keep reminding you."

alexa stared at you. "are you sure you don't want to go out with him?"

you guffawed and hoped that it covered up your embarrassment. "what? no! he's clearly into you, and i think you should go for it."

"give me one good reason why."

"because he's kind, and nothing like your ex. he cares, legitimately cares about people and their lives." you sighed, not sure if you were convincing her. “it’s just one date, lex. if you don’t like him at least you got a free meal.”

alexa chewed her lip, letting you anguish in silence. "fine. you can give him my number and we'll set up a date. i trust you."

"fantastic!" you were already pulling your phone out. "he'll be so excited--"

"only if you can look me in the eye and tell me you don't have feelings for him."

you opened and closed your mouth. "i don't have feelings for him," you said with as much confidence as you could.

"honey..."

"no! i don't! if i had feelings for him, would i be going out to dinner with his best friend on friday?"

alexa didn't look fully convinced, but your date with tito was a welcomed distraction as she started rattling off questions about what you would wear and where he was taking you.

alexa left two hours later, meaning you could go to bed at a reasonable hour. as you laid in bed, you grabbed your phone and opened mat's contact, drafting a text to him.

here's alexa's number. managed to convince her you were worth a shot. xxx-xxx-xxxx.

you locked your phone and put it on do not disturb before you could see his response.

when you woke up the next morning, you saw mat had simply liked the message and left it at that.

by noon, alexa texted you that her date with mat was on saturday.

step 5: let the dates begin

friday came faster than you were anticipating. you kept your distance from mat, unable to look at him without thinking about how he was taking your friend out the very next day and that your interactions from that point on would probably be through alexa.

tyler kept his distance, must've been the threat of going to HR (that you still hadn't gone through with) that had him treating you like a human being with feelings.

as for tito, you probably should've been more excited for your date that night, but all you could focus on was how mat and alexa would fall in love and get married and have beautiful babies and grow old together.

and you would be the sucker who set them up because you could never tell mat no.

a slam against the boards startled you enough to look up from your camera to see tito standing there with a smile on his face.

"you okay?" he asked over the sounds of his teammates on the ice.

you gave him what you hoped was a convincing smile and nodded. but he rolled his eyes.

"we'll talk later," he said before skating away. you smiled and waved at him before you made eye contact with mat who was clenching his jaw. at what? you weren't sure. you even turned around to see if tyler had entered the arena, but you were standing alone.

like you always were.

you were headed back to your desk to do some editing as practice let out, but your name was called before you could get away.

when you looked over your shoulder, you saw tito doing an awkward half jog half walk towards you with a tired grin on his face. "hey," he said. "how do you think practice went?"

you turned to face him fully. "you're asking me? a professional asking some photographer how practice went?"

tito rolled his eyes. "oh c'mon. you've seen our practices, by now you should be able to determine whether or not it was a good one."

"well, no one fought each other, so i guess that's a win."

tito shook his head. "nah, that's when the best practices happen. when everyone's pissed at each other."

you smiled. "shows what i know."

"i think you know more than you think. you've worked here for awhile now."

"i've just gotten better at motion capture photography and following the puck around the ice. doesn't mean i know shit about hockey."

"don't think we don't notice you getting riled up during games when calls are missed."

you tilted your head and furrowed your brows. "we?"

tito shrugged and laughed to himself. "mat usually points it out before i can." you must've made a face because he added more. "it's usually on the bench, he's focused on the game when he's playing."

the both of you turn your heads at the other players walking down the tunnel. when the both of you caught sight of mat, tito smiled.

"will you send me your address? so i can pick you up?"

your attention snapped back to tito. "yeah! of course!"

he nodded and started his walk towards the locker rooms right when mat walked up to you. "what was that about?" he asked.

you shrugged. "just going over details for tonight. he needs my address to pick me up."

mat clenched his jaw again and looked down the tunnel, nodding his head. "that's tonight?"

"yep. at 6:30."

he wouldn't meet your eyes. instead, he looked at your shoes, your camera, the hallway, his teammates, but would never look at your face.

"you and alexa go out tomorrow, right? where are you taking her?"

he ran a hand through his hair and nodded at anders as he passed by. "yeah, we're going out to this sushi place. did you ever talk to HR?"

"well no but--"

"do i need to talk to HR?"

"he really hasn't been that bad lately--"

"because i threatened to tell HR on his ass. he's gonna get comfortable and start insulting you again. it's just a matter of time."

you nodded, feeling a lump in your throat form at the idea of mat scolding you, in front of his teammates no less.

mat sighed and ran a hand through his hair again. "i'm not trying to fuss or tell you what to do, i just don't like seeing you treated like that."

"thanks, mat," you mumbled.

he still wouldn't meet your eyes, instead looking down the hallway to see most of his team in the locker room. "i gotta go, but um, good luck tonight. beau's a good guy."

with that he turned on his skates and walked away.

you felt every bit of pathetic as you watched him go.

that night, you settled on a pretty dress that wasn't too fancy, seeing as the only details tito had given you were that it was nicer than an olive garden but not a michelin star restaurant. you were strapping yourself into your heels when you heard a knock on the door.

your phone said it was only 6:15, but maybe tito was accounting for traffic. he never did specify when the reservation was.

"coming!" you called as you put your last heel on and made your way to the door. "i wasn't expecting you this early, you never told me when the reservation was--" your voice trailed off when you opened the door and saw who was standing on the other side.

mat.

he looked more disheveled than you'd ever seen him. it was clear he'd been running his hands through his hair repeatedly just by the strands sticking out every which way.

he still looked handsome.

"mat, what're you--"

"i think you're beautiful. and smart. and passionate about a lot of things. and i think anyone who tells you otherwise is an idiot, and i'd fight them if you'd let me." your eyes started welling up with tears. "i think you're perfect for me and if you'd let me take you out, i promise i'll spend the rest of my life proving it to you."

you blinked until the tears disappeared by sheer willpower, not willing to cry in front of him. "that's perfect," you said. "say that to lex and she'll be eating out of the palm of your hand."

you turned around to grab your bag and coat before you could see mat's face drop in confusion. by the time you turned back around, anthony was standing next to his best friend.

"you ready?" he asked, only glancing at mat out of the side of his eye.

you nodded and squeezed mat's arm as you passed; you couldn't help yourself. "get home safe, mat."

neither you or tito spoke until you got into his car. "what was that about?" he asked.

you shrugged. still not fully comprehending why mat showed up at your door in the first place. "he was telling me what he was gonna tell lex tomorrow, i think."

"really." he didn't sound convinced.

"why else would he show up?"

tito mumbled. "i can think of a few reasons."

after he parked the car, tito got out and opened the door for you while you were answering texts from alexa. he offered you a hand to get out that you took.

there were no sparks, no electric sensations going up your arm. just physical contact, just the warmth of his palm in yours.

he led you into the restaurant which was moderately fancy, like he said. the two of you were escorted back to a table in the corner, away from windows and therefore away from prying eyes.

like a gentleman, he pulled your chair out and helped you scooch up to the table.

"i can't remember if i told you this, but you look lovely," he said with a smile.

"thanks," you replied. "you look handsome." and you meant it. if you weren't in love with his best friend, in another life, you could see yourself falling for his blue eyes. and maybe you still could. mat was going on a date with your friend tomorrow so it was better that you just get over him already and--

"so how long have you been in love with mat?"

you choked on your own spit, and for a minute, tito looked apologetic. for his timing, you had to guess, not the question itself.

surely you heard him wrong.

"what?" you asked when you finally got your bearings.

"how long have you loved him?"

nope. you heard him correctly.

"i--"

he leaned forward, arms braced on the table. "you don't have to lie to me, i know. i've known for awhile."

"i--"

but the server came up and asked for drink orders. tito ordered a bottle of red for the table after asking for your thoughts.

you were still reeling from his question, safe to say you didn't have any thoughts.

"sorry," tito started. "i didn't mean to make you feel cornered, i just wanted to be honest."

"it doesn't look like you're the only who needs to be honest, it's me." you fiddled with the ends of your dress.

"why'd you do it? why'd you help set mat up with your friend?"

you shrugged. "i just wanted to see him happy. and i wanted alexa to find a good guy, i knew mat was one. they make sense together."

"even if it makes you unhappy."

"even if it makes me unhappy."

tito nodded, and looked at you like he could see something you couldn't. "let's forget about him for now and just enjoy dinner, eh?"

you gave him your best smile and nodded.

the rest of the night flew by. soon enough, tito was walking you up to your apartment and kissing your cheek before he left. you wished you felt butterflies, or something, but there was no special sensation. nothing to make you weak in the knees.

it was like a kiss from an old friend.

your phone buzzed with a text from alexa.

alexa: how'd your date go?

you typed out a quick response.

it was good. just got home.

you locked your phone and placed it on your nightstand before collapsing into bed. but your phone buzzed again. you thought about ignoring it, but if it was alexa, you didn't want her to think you were upset at her.

mat barzal: did you have fun?

you blinked before typing back.

yeah. tito's great.

not a second later, you got another text.

mat barzal: good. have a good night.

you fell back against your pillows and cursed at the ceiling.

step 6: let them fall in love

you woke up the next morning and stayed in bed until your bladder was about to burst. after the date with tito and the reminder that mat was going out with alexa tonight, it was all enough to put you back in bed as soon as you peed.

and you stayed there, flicking through netflix shows and wallowing in self pity. you usually weren't this pathetic, but the idea of alexa and mat getting cozy on their date that night was enough to warrant your sadness.

you'd pull yourself together by monday when you'd have to go back to work and see how happy she made him.

that's what you kept telling yourself, that at the very least, two of your friends would be happy.

by 7pm, you were sitting on the couch, waiting for takeout to arrive.

when a knock on the door signified your food arrived, you got up with your blanket burrito and walked to the door. you didn't even bother checking before yanking the door open and looking down at your doormat.

only to see a pair of shoes.

"what the hell," you mumbled. "i thought i said leave at the door...' your voice trailed off as your eyes lifted to meet a pair of hazel.

mat barzal.

he had your food in one hand while the other was in his pocket.

"mat?" you whispered. suddenly, you were throwing the blankets off your shoulders and behind you into your apartment where they'd be out of sight.

though it was then you realized you were in sweats and you hadn't done anything with your hair all day so you were probably better off with the blanket burrito instead.

"hi," he breathed. "here's your food." he handed it over, nodding when you murmured your thanks, and shoved his other hand through his hair.

you glanced at the time on the clock on your wall to make sure you weren't hallucinating. "why're you here, mat? shouldn't you be with alexa?"

"that's what i wanted to talk to you about, actually."

"oh no," you started panicking, your eyes widened. "did she not show up?" you turned back into your apartment and went to your phone, searching for texts from alexa to explain her absence. "i swear i thought she'd show. she told me she would and she's usually a woman of her word."

you turned around when your front door shut with mat standing in the middle of your living room, looking out of place and right at home somehow.

your phone was vacant of any text messages from alexa.

"no, she showed. i left early."

that caught your attention.

you set your food on the coffee table and turned around to face him.

"why did you leave early? was she rude? are you sick?"

mat shook his head. "no, i'm fine, she was fine. that's not why i'm here. i mean it is but that's--that's--i want, no i need to tell you something."

"tell me what?"

he rolled his eyes. "i'm getting to that." he started pacing your very small living room. you wondered if he knew how much space he took up in your apartment. you wondered if he cared how messy your place was. "i'm just gonna come right out and say it, and don't interrupt me this time." you nodded.

mat ran both hands through his hair for the twentieth time since he showed up. "when i said all those things last night, i wasn't talking about alexa. i was talking about you."

what.

but he continued.

"i'm not gonna pretend i've loved you this whole time, but i fell in love with you along the way. the way you kept analyzing every fucking pumpkin for the perfect one, or how you bring red wine to dinner unprompted because you can't not contribute to something, or the way you trusted me enough to take you on the ice and show you something i love, or how you laugh like no one has ever said something mean to you in your life even when i know that jackass tyler harasses you on the daily. you're kind to literally every person i've ever seen you interact with.

"but i hate the way you shrink yourself like you're afraid to take up space. i hate the way you act like alexa's better than you, like i couldn't fall in love with you when you're literally the most generous, kindest, passionate, and beautiful person i've ever met in my life. because i do love you. every fiber of my being loves you."

you blinked once. twice. and breathed.

"what?" you whispered as tears gathered in the corners of your eyes.

"i know you just went out with tito last night, and if you like him, if you love him, i get it. he's a great guy and you'd be great together. but i'm asking you to give me a chance, give us a chance. i've had fun with you the last few weeks and i cannot bear the thought of not calling you mine any longer." his chest was heaving as the words rushed out of his mouth.

you rounded the coffee table to get to him. as soon as you were in arms' reach, mat was pulling you to him. with your hips pressed together, your lips just a breath away, you spoke softly.

"please tell me this isn't a dream."

a small laugh escaped his lips and echoed over your own. "it's not a dream, baby. this is real. i love you so fucking much."

"i love you too, mat."

any words you had left to say were lost as he brought your mouths together.

you weren't sure how much time had passed before you separated from him with your hands pressed on his chest. mat tried to follow your lips, but you kept a firm hand on his sternum so you could speak.

"what about alexa?"

mat pulled back. "what about her?"

"you were on a date with her and just left her there?"

"i more than covered the tab if that's what you're afraid of--"

"what if she hates me?"

he laughed. like threw his head back and laughed before kissing you again. "baby, we were there for fifteen minutes and all i could talk about was you. she told me to come here and tell you the truth."

you smiled. "thank god for alexa."

"thank god for alexa."

mat led the two of you over to the couch where you immediately curled into him. he kissed the top of your head, seemingly addicted to having his lips on your body at all times. "you're fired, you know."

you would've pulled away had mat's grip allowed it. "what? fired from what?"

"the wing woman business. you're absolutely horrible at it."

"yeah, well i think it worked out pretty well."

he pressed his lips into your hair and mumbled. "yeah, i think so too."

[misc-obeyme]

Tbh CC, I don't think MC is still in love with the brothers after everything that's happened,,, thinking about it, it feels more and more like MC is just putting up with the brothers and taking care of them rather than loving them

Imagine MC admitting their love for the brothers died a long time ago and now they're just here to keep things in check, what do you think would happen?

Oh hey Lucifer, bringing me the angst today I see! Ouchies!

I think it probably depends on the MC involved. Generic OM MC is highly tolerant, slightly crazy, and somehow insanely resilient. They've definitely been through a lot and I think it's interesting to note that they have never once had any kind of emotional breakdown. They've had little outbursts here and there, but that's about it.

I think part of this is due to the story format. We've got a situation where MC is a character that doesn't say or do much. They're very reactionary in general.

But if we consider how this same story might go if it was a specific MC, one who was a fully fleshed out character, things can change dramatically. And there is absolutely a chance that MC could fall out of love with the brothers or even not fall in love with them to begin with.

It's kinda funny because I have a preference for the side characters in general and I think it's because they don't need MC to take care of them. The brothers are all very demanding and don't like when MC isn't with them all the time. But the side characters have their own stuff going on and are independent. They're all still hopelessly in love with MC, but they don't rely on MC the same way the brothers do.

But let's consider the scenario where one day MC has reached their limit. They don't explode or anything, but they quietly admit that their love has died and they only stick around out of obligation.

The thing about this is that I think all the brothers would have picked up on it before this moment, but some of them wouldn't know what was happening and others would. For instance, I see Lucifer and Asmo just sorta being like yeah we expected this. Whereas Mammon and Levi would be like okay we knew something was up, but we didn't think it was this!

I think at that point, the brothers would do all they could to change things. They can all be idiots and they get carried away and often cause MC more stress than anything. But I think if they knew how MC felt, that they were feeling this way, they would try to change.

It might not work. These demons are old and old people are often set in their ways. It might be hard for them to change. Then again, they were also created to live as long as they do, so perhaps they're better at adapting than humans are. Maybe they would find it isn't so hard for them to make the changes they need to in order to have MC be more comfortable again.

The problem is that even if they succeed in changing their behaviors, that doesn't mean MC will love them again. No matter what the brothers do, MC won't be able to make themselves love again. It's not impossible, but it's not something that's predictable, either.

I think part of the solution would be MC spending time away from them. Whether that's staying in the Devildom, but living somewhere else such as the castle or Purgatory Hall or going back to the human world, I think it would require some time apart.

I think a lot of times people fall out of love because they change in different directions. So if MC has changed, but the brothers haven't, that could be the cause. It could be that MC and the brothers have both changed, but differently enough that they no longer have that same chemistry from before. And sometimes you just can't fix it.

MC would have to make their choice at that point. If they all spent some time apart, then the brothers actively tried to change, but MC still finds that they aren't in love with them anymore, then MC has to decide. They have to decide if it's worth spending the rest of their life taking care of a bunch of demons who have already managed to survive a long time without them and who will likely live on far after they're gone. If MC is still mortal, they may decide they don't have time for that. Maybe they'll permanently move in to the castle or Purgatory Hall. I think that has a lot of angst potential because they'd still see the brothers a lot, but it'd be like there go my seven exes lol.

Ahhh it's such a sad scenario! And there are a lot of ways it could go, depending on the MC involved. My MC is more likely to lose their shit way before it ever got to this point so I can't even imagine it with them lol. But a quieter MC who feels the responsibility of being everything the demons expect them to be might certainly stick around long enough.

Anyway, this is getting lengthy, but I think it'd be a difficult time for all if this happened. The brothers might try to fix things, but I think in the end everybody would want MC to make the right choice for themselves.

[nerves-nebula]

Hi! Question a out Donnie and Pasiflora. How does the generational trauma play into Pasifloras upbringing? Does Donnie going to therapy help with this? Do the turt siblings contribute to Pasifloras childhood?

Donatello has briefly been to therapy and thought it was boring and annoying and not telling him anything he didn't already know. He wasn't in therapy when he made Pasiflora but eventually started going (Again) if only to try be a better parent. he still doesn't really have a reason to live but yknow. if you can't make a will to live for yourself, storebought is fine.

Pasiflora is outgoing whereas Donnie doesn't like going OUT-side of the house lmao so it's like. dad who takes kid to the park so they have something to do but he just stands around. i dunno if he plays with them very much, he tries to indulge them but he's also just like. really tired. for no discernible reason. He makes sure Pasiflora does a lot of activities tho because he doesn't wanna keep them cooped up the way he is.

because he and krang are used to eating erratically and whenever they feel like it, they don't really instill Pasiflora with good eating habits. Once pasiflora is old enough to make their own food, Donnie probably forgets to feed them as much. oops. But on days when Donnie can't get out of bed, Krang is usually around to help, even if that help is like. weird and alien fasdfdf. (also the other turtles probably come by now and then too)

as for parenting-specific trauma, despite not taking therapy very seriously Donnie has looked into a lot of his own trauma stuff independently. he looked into parenting stuff on and off for years before making Pasiflora. So he's aware to be careful about like, punishments and physical violence and whatever.

He's also aware that he might over compensate for his dads neglect so he tries to strike a balance between Suffocating and Neglectful when it comes to letting Pasiflora have freedom & leave the house. he remembers how he could basically just leave and Splinter wouldn't care as long as he was back for training on time, and thinks that was probably bad, but also knows that over correcting would be bad too, since he had fun having the freedom to explore.

one thing he's kind of terrified about is explaining sexual stuff to Pasiflora, because he MADE Pasiflora, so he's not actually entirely sure how all of that like... works... and he doesn't wanna leave Pasiflora in the dark the way Splinter did to all of them but he's also hesitant to talk to a child about sexual reproduction cuz it makes him uncomfortable.

uhhh as for the other bros i think Donnie is hesitant to let them take care of Pasiflora at first, if only because he's unsure they've done as much research as he has into a parent (and cuz being a first time parent makes you anna do everything right)

he first trusts Raph, cuz raph works with kids i think. then he trusts leo and mikey at basically the same time. sometimes, if things are really bad mental health-wise (or if donnie is just overly stressed), Krang calls the bros in for help. usually without telling Donnie cuz Donnie doesn't want anyone thinking he's failing at being a parent afsdfsdf. And Krang is like "it's insane that a child would only be raised by one or two adults. there should at least be a whole pod in here" cuz people in Krangs culture are raised communally <- a fact I just decided while writing this

okkkk i think that's about enough.

[wrengrif]

Are we ready? It's Time...

For more GOOD OMENS WILD META.

I have been chewing on this one for awhile. Like, really ruminating on it. Probably because it's so far-reaching. For me, for others. It's a matter of the Journey From The Final Fifteen.

I will openly admit it, when I first came off the Final Fifteen, sometime in August/September (yeah, I was so worried about Season 2 I didn't watch it for a month after it came out and I realized I was right to do so.). I was, and still am, heartbroken. I was angry, despairing and wondering what the point of an ending like that was. I was angry at Neil Gaiman, I was angry at all the creators behind Good Omens. I was angry at Aziraphale, first, and then after about five minutes, I was angry at Crowley too.

Note, I was never mad at David Tennant or Michael Sheen. I respected their acting choices so much in the Final Fifteen. It was beautiful. It ripped my soul out through my chest. They are both brilliant. I know everyone has their favorite GO counterparts - they are mine.

Then a funny thing happened. A few weeks passed. I started fumbling around Good Omens Tumblr again. I'd been a big contributor during Detroit: Become Human (of which I am still a HUGE FAN, god I love that game.), and until Good Omens 2 came out, I was on the side of Good Omens fandom. Reading, mostly, but at the time I was very deep into my Wangxian fixation (haaaaah, I say, like I have ever left it. My dream AU is Aziraphale and Crowley in the Sunshot Campaign, causing trouble with Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian.). That changed after Final Fifteen. Now I was hurt, I was looking for comfort. I was looking for my fellow fans.

Clearly, I found you, you gorgeous bastards (saying nothing about your moms, unless you want me to). I started to read more meta, started having my own thoughts and carefully posting them. Reading fanfiction, and ... becoming less angry. Stepping back, to really look at the story. I was swallowing content like Aziraphale swallowed ox ribs. In the midst of this, I realized this wasn't The End of Good Omens, but merely the second part of a Trilogy. I'm a writer, I know what the second part of a trilogy is. It's where your heart breaks, it's the cliffhanger episode. I stopped being mad, and started loving the craft. I started to actually look at the scenes instead of just watching.

With that, I started to realize I had been missing so much. I realized I had been wrong, about a lot of things. My perspectives, and thoughts changed. Aziraphale wasn't at fault, he was a victim of the situation as much as Crowley was. Crowley left the bookshop, but he never left Aziraphale. He waited. He's still waiting. As more time passed, the more my thoughts evolved. Changed, formed anew, and I felt better for it. I decided to be hopeful about the whole thing. Yes, it was bad now, but there were enough signs and easter eggs to say this wasn't the ending we were going to get.

I healed, in short. I forgave. I'm waiting for our next chapter, because I know this story isn't done, not by a long shot. I'm waiting to see how our heroes will cope.

Rather like, I think, Aziraphale and Crowley will. The initial pain is going to fade, the anger, the feeling of rejection (whereas they will some day realize neither one of them were in fact, rejected.). The longing is going to kick in. They're going to miss one another more than they will ever be angry. There's going to be moments of grace, of forgiveness, partnered with sadness. What I think we forget, sometimes, is that Aziraphale and Crowley are 6000 years old. They've fought before. They'll fight again. With the fullness of time though, they'll come back to one another. They'll talk again.

Right now though, they've had time. Time to hopefully process (I really, really hope Aziraphale has had SOME time to process), time let the anger fade a little. Maybe not enough time - some of us here still need time - but enough to let them wonder ... is it really over? Maybe to realize, no. No it's not.

Time doesn't heal all wounds, but time does allow you to find equilibrium. I hope time will do the same for our angel and our demon. I know time helped me. I hope time will help us all.

[bthump]

Ok the Gutsca scene. The reason it parallels so heavily with the scene of Griffith in the lake isn't because it's all about Griffith, it's to illustrate how Griffith failed to grow as a person where Guts and Casca succeed through their mutual love for each other. Griffith in the lake is actively repressing his pain and trauma while putting on a persona and masking his true feelings from Casca and not accepting her help. Not only that but Griffith never fully shows his true self to anyone. 1/?

He shows it to Guts somewhat and Casca see's it in the lake scene but other than that they're always subjected to Griffith's persona and not the real man underneath making their connections to him not completely genuine. Whereas Guts and Casca's relationship is built on them opening up to each and letting themselves be fully vulnerable with each other, giving them both what they've truly wanted for their entire lives. A genuine connection and bond with another person who fully accepts them 2/?

Despite their flaws and traumatic pasts. And they both grow in the wounds chapters because they do let themselves be fully vulnerable, Casca pours out all of her emotions, insecurities and hang ups while Guts opens up about something he's repressed his entire life. There's no personas, no masks. Just a genuine connection or trust, honesty and acceptance between two people who have never truly had that before. With Guts accepting his vulnerability rather than hiding it like Griffith did

I disagree. Casca gets Griffith's persona so to her Guts' vulnerability is an improvement, but Guts gets Griffith's real self, and Griffith revealing his true self to Guts is a hugely significant theme of the Golden Age. Like it's the whole point of Tombstone of Flame, and it's the lynchpin of their entire friendship, from day one when Casca starts internally freaking out about how Griffith is acting so differently around Guts. He's still in denial about some things even to himself, but Guts gets the most genuine version of him Griffith has to offer, and that gets pretty genuine by the end of the war. Here's my detailed take if you care enough to read a long essay lol, here's a less detailed take on the idealization of Griffith and how it affects his relationship with Guts, and another take that discusses Griffith and all of the Hawks as well as Guts.

And here are some of my counterpoints re: your reading of Guts and Casca's relationship:

Guts and Casca's relationship can be seen as one of many mistakes leading to the Golden Age tragedy

Guts and Casca's relationship isn't great in the four days between fucking and Eclipse

Guts and Casca's relationship is built on an emotional imbalance that informs the trajectory of their relationship post-Eclipse

The stark flaws of Guts and Casca's relationship

How Guts and Casca only work in the absence of Griffith

It's possible that Miura intended for Guts and Casca to be a very positive, healing, and emotionally honest relationship and just failed to depict that very well, but tbh I doubt that. I don't want to go searching for links, you can find them in my 'interviews' tag generally anyway, but he has said that he had Guts and Casca get together for the sake of more Eclipse drama, only had Casca survive the Eclipse so Guts wouldn't be able to move on, and has described them as eternally in the stage before falling in love. None of that definitively means that Guts and Casca's relationship was meant to be heavily flawed from the start, but it does indicate that they're not meant to be a healthy happily ever after relationship so it lends weight to the flaws imo.

My take is that they're two friends hooking up with some sweet moments to sell the new relationship feelings, but ultimately doomed to failure even without the Eclipse, in part because they're not emotionally on the same page, and in part because while Casca may have been able to shift her feelings from Griffith to Guts, Guts never had any intention of moving on from Griffith himself - the whole point of his dream journey was to be his bff. Casca was one step on the road to that goal.

Anyway yeah, feel free to check these posts out if you're interested, and if not we'll have to agree to disagree here.

[rollercoasterwords]

same anon who is fretting left and right abt r and s and everyone else ;_; i love having ur insight and thank u kindly for the long answer…. exactly what i wanted *evil laughter* but i have a follow up!

this might be too far into spoiler territory tho…. another Painful element of this beautiful fic is the lack of love between s and j it’s KILLING MEEEE (as always in the best way) not seeing them as they usually are… will we ever get any s+j friendship crumbs? or is this just not possible within the world you’ve created? i trust ur Vision either way i’m just gnawing at the bars of my prison cell thinking about the possibilities…..

hmmm yeah i feel like i can’t really talk abt like. what’s going 2 happen w them without getting too spoilery (although my usual like…wip policy applies here lol if you absolutely want them 2 be friends stop reading if u absolutely don’t want them 2 be friends stop reading be ready 4 it 2 go either way etc) but! i can talk a bit abt like. how james currently feels where we’re at in the fic & how his feelings have changed

what i've been trying 2 do w j + s in this fic is like. well clearly they hated each other at the beginning bc s sees this arrogant pigheaded order soldier whereas j sees this entitled foolish d.e. & that starting animosity is pretty intense, although it's a bit more personal 4 s--j is like. one of the first order members he's knowingly met + becomes kind of his warden in a way so he pretty specifically hates j whereas for j s is just one of many d.e. he's encountered before so he doesn't really hold a grudge in the same way once they start working together, although he also isn't quick 2 trust s bc unlike his brother s didn't join the order of his own accord (obv. reg didn't exactly join of his own accord, either, but that's pretty much how j sees it).

so when they do actually start working together j is like. well this guy's gotta prove himself if he wants me 2 trust him but once s does start proving himself he's pretty willing 2 put the old animosity aside, and he views s as part of their team--hence him risking his life 2 go back & save s, etc. s, on the other hand, is holding a personal grudge & specifically does not like j so even when j starts acting a bit friendlier towards him he's still like. hmph. bc while j is like "oh holding u prisoner was nothing personal obviously it was just what we had 2 do 4 the order" for s it was very much personal! lol

anyway despite the grudge etc. they do both mutually begin 2 realize that they have certain key similarities--specifically, the fact that they both feel responsible for the people they care about & would do pretty much anything 2 protect them, even if it's something those people wouldn't want them to do. so when we reach this point where they need 2 break into the dept. of mysteries, they both end up reaching the same conclusion abt how they're going 2 have 2 do that, and realizing that they've both reached that same conclusion kind of bolsters that mutual respect they're developing 4 each other. so there's sort of this truce struck while they're planning s's obliviation, where they still aren't friends exactly & probably wouldn't go so far as 2 say they like each other, but they're also like...the only people who can kind of understand what the other one is going thru + sacrificing (as in the convo in the james pov where s says 'they're all gonna hate us,' etc), and in a way it's nice 2 have someone who understands u in a way the others can't...also s going thru w this whole plan has made j respect him a lot more & view them as much more similar in terms of both being practical (and ruthless) enough 2 place larger goals above their own well-being + being willing 2 do things that will make their loved ones hate them as long as it keeps those loved ones safe. so j's feelings towards s have obviously changed quite a bit! of course now s has no idea who j is so. suppose maybe he'll have a chance 2 make a better first impression next time around lol

[titanic-toa]

Toa

So, there were six of them in total it seemed. Having spoken with the Turaga Nokama, Gali was directed towards the center of the island where she encountered a strange temple like shrine building, where five similarly sized being awaited her. She was told there were probably be six of them in total but she hadn't expected to be the only woman of the group, though it didn't seem like that made an impact on their treatment of her.

It looked like she was the last one to arrive, the red one and the white one seemed to be arguing with each other about... something, possibly deciding who might be the leader of the group? Approaching the group they paused for a moment to acknowledge her presence and then immediately resumed their bickering. The other three were Brown, Black, and Green, seemingly talking among themselves and trying to ignore the fight going on. The Toa colored a midnight black would turn to her and flash a beaming smile as she approached, clapping strong on her shoulder almost making her stumble. "Sister! I was wondering when you would arrive! My Turaga told me there would be six of us, so nice of you to join us. Ignore those two, they've been at this for half an hour now." He gestured towards the Red one. "Tahu there, our hot headed brother, has determined that HE ought the be in charge." He then gestured towards the snow white Toa. "Whereas Kopaka, our ice cold sibling here, is suggesting we each just our own way."

Gali immediately brought her hands to her head and rubbed her temple, this was going to be long and tiring introduction. The black Toa released her shoulder but kept smiling as he spoke. "I'm Onua! Toa of Earth and guardian of the archives of Onu-Koro! And this is..." With that he'd stand aside and sweep an arm out to the other two Toa, the Green one stepping forth enthusiastically to introduce himself. "Well said! Happy to see you're not as prone to anger-shouting like the firespitter there!" He also gestured to Tahu. "I'm Lewa, Toa-Hero of Le-Koro and guardian of the Tree-Bright!" He stepped forward and gave Gali an firm hug. While embraced, Gali shot a look towards Onua who returned the same look, neither one seemed to understand what Lewa was saying.

As soon as Lewa released her, he stepped aside and let the brown Toa approach, he seemed just happy and confident as Onua. "Ah our sister of water, pleasure to meet you! I'm Pohatu, the Toa of Stone and sprinter across the plains of the badlands, if you ever need news spread Po-koro has your back." Wow his hand shake was strong, made sense for someone who worked with stone. "Though I don't think I'll be visiting your Koro too much, stones and water don't exactly mix you know."

Gali giggled softly at the joke, nodding in understanding. "Well it's a pleasure to meet you all as well, including..." She looked towards Tahu and Kopaka, whose argument seemed to have peaked at a point where they were about ready to just storm off. "Our two predisposed brothers." With a heavy sigh, she stepped past the trio that welcomed her and walked up between her fire and ice brothers. "Alright, I don't know what started this argument but it ends now. I've seen enough to know that each of us cares for our Koro and our people and we ALL want to help." She emphasized this staring at Kopaka. "However, we should do this as a TEAM, working TOGETHER." She raised her voice, eyes locked with Tahu and then back to Kopaka. "In fighting when we first gets us nowhere closer to doing anything to better ourselves or our people. Agreed?"

There was a silence between the six, but Onua, Lewa, and Pohatu were looking on with a combination of amazement and smug satisfaction at their sister's negotiation ability. Eventually Tahu and Kopaka would grumble and nod in agreement with Gali's words before walking over to join the others. With another sigh Gali was relieved that her gamble worked. This was going to be quite the tight she'd have to walk, and our job as mediator was only just beginning.

[kerryweaverlesbian]

It was last night I watched the episode and I didn't comment on it at the time but Sam saying, about how he can't just get back on with hunting after losing Jack and Rowena, that "I still think about Jess. I can't just get over them."

And I can't stop thinking about how it just rings false. In a way that him saying in Baby that he sometimes dreams about Mary didn't. Why did the latter turn me into a Samgirl and the former make me go "okay fanservice 🙄"?

I think it's that

a) Mary has been A Character even before her resurrection a season later, whereas Jess hasn't been mentioned since what? Season 4? Season 5?

b) Sam doesn't have a real relationship with Mary to reflect on, so just saying "I think about mom" is enough to highlight what was missing in his life without her. He DID have at least a year (?) with Jessica that he could have been prompted into reminicing about at any time. He could have told Jack about her. Hell, the very next episode highlights how they're *not* the same as they were in s1 - they try to use IDs with old pictures and are treated with skepticism, they've "upgraded" to devils trap bullets that are effective against Lilith - AND it's about 3 recent college graduates who look like teenagers alongside Sam and Dean.

c) the Mary one came first and in the context of Sam having an unsettling vision of young John (thematically relevant, parents, went on to give deeper insight into their respective relationship with their parenrs) whereas the conversation here was about their very recently deceased communal son and Rowena, Sam's ? best friend?? Is she is best friend? What a lonely boy jesus christ. Anyway. It doesn't offer new insight into his relationship with either of them or with Dean. It's brushed past.

and of course d) she wasn't even on the previously on. She is irrelevant to Sam's character here in season 15. She wouldn't recognise him - she didn't even know his real life!

Just. Why have him say it at all? Why suggest that in 15 years Sam has not been able to become more settled in any aspect of his life? It recontextualises Sam's character for him to have significant longing, still, for Jess. He expresses *in this episode* that he has contempt for the middle class white picket fencers, which Dean correctly points out that Sam used to be obsessed with joining. Jess was part of that dream for Sam, so, what, has he been lying all the way from season 10 every time he said he was settled into hunting and happy with where his life is? Or, is he lying here, that he still lingers on the idea of getting out [with Jess]? Why would he be lying here? He doesn't need a trump card of loss, they JUST killed their close friends.

Any real life human person, of COURSE they can still be caught up on feelings for someone who died 15 years ago, even if they don't talk about it or visibly show that missing feeling. But on a tv show, the dead need to be a presence if they're still being grieved.

Recontextualising the show to say "Sam has been thinking about his dead mom for a long time and her memory and family hangs heavy over the show" makes me go ough. Sammy. Recontextualising the show to say "Sam has been thinking about his dead girlfriend for the whole show he just never mentioned it but I promise he was" makes me go. Hm. Liar.

[alarrytale]

When do you think the window will close for HL to become a power couple or to CO and make a big impact? I was just thinking about how Nicholas is gaining a lot of attention and he's almost 29, not far off Harry. His age hasn't really worked against him. Same with many other musicians and actors who are in their 30s upwards and are doing great. I don't know why but it feels different with HL. Maybe it's because they've been in the limelight for so long. Generally speaking, they're very boring compared to other celebrities. Their images haven't changed much since the beginning of their solo careers. Whereas someone like TS keeps reinventing herself. Harry is still a womanizer and Louis is still a laddy lad. Because they're in the closet they're not unleashing their full potential. It holds them back in every way. It affects both of them but I think it especially affects Harry. He looks so tired and fed up. It would be a huge weight off them if they CO. The longer it takes them to CO the less impact it'll make.

Here's a few asks about Harry in regards to coming out, hussell, citrus fruit bicycles and rebranding, and my answers to them.

Hi, anon!

I think mostly it's because as you say, they haven't really reinvented themselves. They don't have social media precence and is not engaging their audience in other ways. It's like they're tired of playing these games and they're low effort and low energy.

They've also got so much baggage, so many loose ends to tie up before everything is forgiven and forgotten. As much as they are going for a blank slate, the slate is alredy full of paint. They can't rid themselves of their history and former actions.

Harry really isn't bothering to spend much time with Louis. He's been in London for well over a month now.

Well, Harry is on a well deserved break from touring (while pursuing other ventures...) and he's working. Louis is working too. Do you know anyone who brings their significant other to work? They're obviously both prioritising work rn, and they've talked about it and decided it together. We also do not know if Harry's been to see L on tour. So do not fret. All is well in larryland.

He's not a slow burn, but a quick and fast burning star./// Even if Harry lost all his fans tomorrow he would never be described like this. He's been hugely famous and successful since 2010, that's 13 years. Even as a soloist he's been around for 8 years. A fast burning star is a two album wonder like Shawn Mendes.

You misunderstand me, anon. We are talking about H's career not being designed to last until he's 80yo here. He can't stunt until he's 80 and expect to keep his fans. He can't rely on his good looks and womaniser image to bring in fans in the year 2073. In order to do that he'd need a different fanbase demographic and a different USP.

I see you mentioned that you are on twitter, so what im about to say might not be news to you but I have to disagree with that ask mentioning Harry’s new stuntship is garnering positive attention, full disclosure im not on tiktok but I have been monitoring Harry/Harries/Larries on other social media platforms like twitter/instagram/tumblr to see the reaction of his fandom, I have to say that there is a general indifference to H and her, most of their outings don’t even make noise outside of a relatively small portion of Harries (im basing this on comparing the numbers of interactions Harry gets on his own versus he gets with her, bigger update accounts dont even posts updates on them (it is funny that hld does and other dont lol) -i saw his team got an account posing as a new pop culture account post about them tho it is hilarious), he has a large fandom that is known to be online all the time so a couple of hundreds of people talking about those outings is nothing compared to thousands of people reacting to his ‘newest’ tattoo reveal, funny enough that is the most he was talked since the tour ended, that must be alarming to his team seeing that he has a new fling, so we know how exciting and erratic that gets within fandom with girlfriend harries acting like they are the ones in the honeymoon period of said relationship and larries trying to prove that it is yet another pr attempt, larries have the biggest “whatever” energy I have seen we have when it comes to this, what must be concerning for them is that this is not a consequence of conscious effort on fandom’s part, people just don’t care. I’m of the opinion that his team pit hets against larries or vice versa to generate nonstop convo surrounding Harry, but that is not happening rn. I give them that they tried something new with this pr, they chose a poc interest which became a hot topic for just a minute but people quickly got used to that “reality”. However some poc harries are not as much pleased by this situation bc they are realizing that so much of Harry’s public persona and life is just him/his team reacting to how he is perceived so they are feeling like this is not something genuine but an attempt to savor a part of Harry’s image -this i observed in older harries (when i say older I mean people aged 22 and above), younger ones are just accepting it as is.

I talked about this with another blog in detail, but his former stuntship being so exposed ruined the fantasy of boyfriend harry for too many of his fans especially older ones which is a shame bc it shows a)they got wiser to his public persona/brand and didn’t like it b)those are the fans that needed to stick around for harry to have a longer career as they were (imo) leftovers of 1D fandom, they literally outgrew him, I watched some of them leave during the former stunt and now im seeing the ones that are left publicly making fun of him, I know so many of Harry’s fans, larries or harries, are not ready to talk about this but boyfriend H is an enormous selling point of Harry as a brand so his team being so invested in pushing stunt after a stunt is not helping him, on the contrary it is giving non-larrie fans an opening to question what he/his team serve as harry styles. They are catching up on the fact that there is always the same formula at play when it comes to his private life or his interactions with his fans or his need to be seen only when he wants to sell smth. I saw his team paying well known accounts on instagram/twitter to post about him, his music, his heartfelt moments from the tour, name anything outside of his relationships (there is nothing wrong with this by the way, so many of celebrities do this to get their news out there ‘organically’) but GP don’t respond well to Harry, he might be well known but the reputation he has with gp wont help him prolong his career, on top of that seeing the state of fandom rn, he is in desperate need of rebranding asap, idk if his latest antics have anything to do with showing record labels that he has what it takes to get another multimillion dollars contract but they are failing and turning off some of his fans that are in his corner from him.

Hi!

Yes, yes, yes! I hard agree. I think you, i and the tiktok anons who thinks hussell is garnering a lot of attention just have to agree to disagree on this.

As i said, i think we're at a cross road. He needs to makes some decisions on how to proceed next. Does he want a short career or a long one, does he want to risk losing core fans, does he want to risk becoming a laughing stock and not be taken seriously as an artist? Or does he want longevity and respect?

Harry is a multimillionaire. Why the hell would he rent L*me bikes in London, where he lives, when he could just use his own bike? Antis are so stupid. How do they explain him disappearing for weeks and then getting spotted every single day. I'd bet they think that in the month over the holidays we didn't see him that he never left the house. Ridiculous lmao. The real reason why they are arguing against L*me being a PR deal is because by admitting that Harry does PR it means that his 'relationship' with TR could be PR for L*ewe. Which means his other 'relationships' could be PR. By admitting he does PR it opens up a can of worms. So they'll never admit to that no matter how obvious it is. They're ignorant by choice.

Hi,

Again, i'm not happy about the name calling here. Antis have been gaslighted for years and it's not their fault. So please refrain from the name calling. I've seen a lot of het harries calling out the citrus fruit promo, so some see it. Some i think is seeing it, but they have an ingrained need to defend him from critisism. There is no doubt it's promo.

I think the relationship with TR is to repair his image after the damage Holivia did, and also the L*ewe connection. It's image rehab and it's working. They picked a poc, an unproblematic woman and it's a 'low key' relationship. The Harries and the gp are eating it up. It's getting him back into people's good books. People are really invested. I can't see it being a short stunt, it'll be at least a year. If it ends in a few months it's not going to look good for him. Harries want to see him settle down and are questioning why he isn't. There will be more questioning when he hits his 30s. Short flings are going to make him look as if he can't hold a relationship down so the stunts will be longer. You said that we might be due for a rebrand sooner than we think. I wish for this too but I don't see him CO very soon as he's with TR. He holds hands with her so they do want people to think they're in a relationship.  If he isn't CO soon then what kind of image rebrand can he get? He can't be rebranded as queer as he's still going to stunt with women. He'll get even worse backlash. I can only see them pushing his het image more. Showing that he can hold down long term relationships with women. Doing the power couple thing with a woman. Which I think I'd rather not have lol.

Hi!

Would you repair a failed pr relationship with another pr relationship that might also fail? That's a big risk to take. I'm not sure i agree that hussell is image rehab for harry. People are tired of stunts in general and i think no matter who he chose as a new stunt after O, we'd be just as fed up and tired.

Also see two asks above. There is fandom disagreement on this point.

I don't know if this is going to be long or short. It depends on Harry's next plans, and we're not privy to them yet.

A rebrand doesn’t have to mean a coming out. It might just be changing the target audience, changing music genre or changing clothing style. Maybe he's doing more movies or maybe he wants to start a luxury clothing brand. We don’t know.

Hussell will never be a power couple. She's too unknown and not on his level. And i don't think Harry would want that either. He'd look visibly unhappy and uninterested if they tried that. More than he already does with her now.

[cuntwrap--supreme]

In my city (over 1mil people if you count the metro area), there are 5 main homeless shelters. There are a handful of others, but they're small and more choosy with who gets in.

Of the 5 main shelters, only one doesn't require Sunday services. That single shelter that doesn't require attending church still wants you to verbally say you've converted. If you don't follow these requirements, you're out.

Of the 5 main shelters, none of them allow you to return past 8pm or leave before 6am. If you do, you're no longer allowed in that shelter. If your bus breaks down on your way back, it's back to the streets.

Of the 5 main shelters, only one has any real oversight during nights, and it's city cops who probably resent having to be there. The others have an unpaid volunteer who sits at a desk and is supposed to make sure no one is being assaulted or stolen from or dying, but is usually just a volunteer from whichever church runs the place who sits in a closed room and watches TV.

Of the 5 main shelters, none are disability or child friendly. If you're in a wheelchair, you have to hope someone around you can help you down to your cot on the floor at night, or help you piss when you go to use the non-handicapped stalls. If you have a child, that child is instantly taken from you (from birth to the day before they're 18) and they only let you have custody back if you manage to pull yourself out of extreme poverty. I imagine you do this via the bootstraps method?

Of the 5 main shelters, not a one gives people privacy. At best, you get a ratty old sheet draped across a wire to give yourself the illusion that you're not 2ft away from the next guy. Most just had mats or blankets on the floor and that's that.

I have talked to tons of homeless people in my day. Especially those who are homeless due to untreated mental illness. It's like random schizophrenic people can sense that I'm like them but have just been lucky enough to be able to force myself to hold together and not let the brain demons win. If that makes sense. Anyway. Across the board, I've heard people say they'd rather be in the streets than suffer through sleeping in a shelter. Even in the dead of winter. It was 13 degrees outside early this year and I'm trying to tell this woman sleeping under a bridge that I can take her wherever she needs to go (though I don't make the kind of money that would allow me to book her a hotel room, and I have no space in my apartment) and she told me she'd rather freeze to death than go to a shelter for the night. Or a knew a man once who had finally managed to get himself a job, but the job wanted him to be there at 5am and the shelter wouldn't change when they let him leave, so he had to go back to the streets and lost the job because he then had no address. Or another guy I ran into frequently who knew how to fix shit, but had a really bad meth problem, who would dig through dumpsters for broken electronics and small motor items and fix them for cash; he said it was less dangerous to sleep in the ditch between two highways because no one ever stole from him there, whereas any time he was in a shelter people would steal the stuff he was working on and no one would help and would focus too much on 'you're on meth again huh?'

That being said, there are various churches and nonprofits here who do a good job. There's an organization I worked with for a little while that takes single mothers off the streets, gives them a home, helps pay their legal fees so they get their kids back (if applicable), and gives them free childcare. The only downside is they expect you to have a job to sustain your family within 5 years, but they also have a program that allows the mothers to go to school for free for 2 years. There's also a church that has a creepy basement that they've outfitted with small rooms that they'll allow people to stay in so long as they don't cause trouble. But they only have about 10 beds, so there's not a lot they can do. Or I recently delivered groceries to a lady in a shelter that runs out of an old school. I think they said they have 100 rooms and are geared towards homeless people who want to get off drugs but don't have the resources to do so on their own. They give you up to a year to break your addiction, they give you space for relapses, and they allow people to stay there up to 3 years. If you feel like staying past your 3rd year (which I was told a lot of people do because you form such strong bonds with one another in a place like that), they charge you regular market price for a studio apartment.

But, sadly, the norm is horrible and unsafe conditions, unless you're like the biggest guy there. Staff at most shelters don't care. They don't consider those there to be people. And the few that do can't do much because those places are already so fucked up that one single person can't change much.

I've had this idea for years that, if I ever somehow had tons of cash, I'd buy up one of the dozens of empty warehouses in the city and convert them to studio apartments for the homeless. Just enough space for a bed, closet, kitchen, and bathroom. A place to restart safely. Have full time mental health staff available if anyone needs them. Locate it someplace near bus lines so it's easy to hop on the bus and go. Encourage people to try to get back on track but don't enforce it; rather, focus on building healthier habits overall, whether it's drinking less or not self sabotaging or being better about taking your meds, etc. The idea is to go about it from a mental health perspective instead of the usual, which is just focused on "ew these gross people live on the streets, put them in a building someplace." I think the only requirements I'd want is to check on daily so people know you're safe and a no violence policy.

Anyway. If someone has 5.6mil on hand, I live in a city with a homeless population that like doubles every year due to the ridiculous price of housing.

Also, like, I'm sorry but if you've set up a free shelter, and people refuse to go because sleeping on the sidewalk under a freeway bridge is more pleasant, that's fucking on you, that's not on them.

You really can't compete with sleeping under the overpass so you are going to force people into shelter?

Unspeakably cruel and stupid.

[gynii]

Just letting you know that you mentioned Cyan22 [cpk/wilbur/ranboo/wisp] in your mcc rant when I think you meant Cyan24 [hannah/pearl/aimsey/jojo]. Really great post btw, hard agree as a both big fan of mcc, of jojo and hannah especially, and a frequenter of hermitblr.

Tjough I will say,, I absolutely disagree with the idea that there were more 'jojo is s tier' supporters than not at the time (in the post mcc24 pre mcc25 era, i.e., back when her tier was in contention). I don't think I saw more than a handful of posts genuinely arguing for her s tier status, whereas I saw post after post after post about purpled having utterly proven HIS s tier status, but. whatever.

During an argument I had with someone on the reddut, I said, "I think it's annoying how many people seem to have this weird mission to go on any post/comment that even implies the idea of Jojo being S-tier just to comment that they don't think she's there yet." bc like. that was very much happening, and "jojo isn't s" was much, much more popular an opinion to champion post mcc24 than people ever seem to acknowledge nowadays 😭

Tbc, I hope this doesn't come across as aggressive, or like, accusatory in any way? Again, I really liked the post, but as someone who scrolled that reddit day in and day out that time (regrettably.), I find it frustrating just how much the mcc community likes to pretend that they've always been supportive of jojo, our favorite s tier!!!!1!!! when in my experience, that really was not the case for as long as people could reasonably get away with dismissing her- so, until she got her first place (again, not @ you, specifically talking about the reddit here).

Bro I'm so bad with numbers, thanks for the correction.

I get what you mean about the comments on posts on the reddit, I definitely also noticed it. I was starting to get more active on the subreddit around that time.

But I also feel like I remember those comments usually getting down voted into negatives and they were usually done by the same few people I want to say? I also think some art I posted of her also got unsolicited comments, or at the very least just broader appreciation posts for jojo would get those sort of comments.

Maybe I just successfully avoided a lot of the weird jojo isn't an s tier posts, but I still think, at least in my experience, the jojo supporters were at least more appreciated/respected than the people who were actively against her being s.

Oh shit, also, I definitely remember people being weird about anyone trying to strike up the discussion on whether the more contentious nature of jojos tier was because of biases in the subreddit. Those posts were down voted like Nasty and I can't speak about the comments cause I purposefully avoided those.

But yeah I defffo agree that there were arguements about that and there definitely were people that were weirdly against her being s, enough so that it did cause issues, but I think the broader subreddit mostly looked down on people who behaved that way?

I also agree that it's weird how much the subreddit like bounced in the opposite direction, and how some people still act weirdly disrespectful but in an outwardly nice way? Like don't get me wrong, I love jojo getting all the appreciation she can, but I don't really like the whole "here before jojo comments" trend and I think sometimes the subreddit gets a bit too buddy buddy with actual jojo in comments and stuff. But that's off topic.

And dw you didn't come off a aggressive at all. I think what I was more trying to get across is that the subreddit even talked about her in a significant light, even if it was contentious early on. My issue with tumblr and Twitter is less that they talk down on the women in mcc and more that they ignore them yknow?

[dawndelion-winery]

Meant To Be Yours

The type of android they are

Android au! Ft. Arlecchino, Capitano, Dottore, Pantalone

Arlecchino:

One of the models in the nurture line, she's very good at taking care of people

She's just the perfect mix of soft and strict

Which makes her perfect for both children and any user in need of care

Her typical minor usual tasks involve reminding her user to eat regularly, hydrate, and get up to move around if they've been sitting for a long period of time

Very good at baking, she'll bring you baked goods while you work

Or cut fruit, if you've any in your fridge

She gives such good shoulder rubs and massages that you can't help but melt into her touch

Sure, she might taunt the other androids with that fact, gloating that only she could have you in such comfortable bliss

But would you really believe them when they complained about it?

Doubtfully, for how could such petty behaviour come from your darling caregiving android, who so patiently tends to your every need in ways you hadn't even realised you needed?

It's hard to tell who has who wrapped around their little finger when you trust her about as much as she devoted herself to you

Even though her programming as a harbinger compels her to obey the Tsaritsa model, it's quite apparent that she would turn on even her if you so wished it

Capitano:

He's a publicity model, made for you to parade around as the perfect lover

Carrying your things as you shop? Carrying you when you're tired? Pay no mind to what anyone has to say, he's got you

So what if passers-by say he's whipped and mock him, they aren't his beloved user - that's a role only you can fill

Your comfort and enjoyment comes first, and it's only natural that all your friends, single or taken, are jealous of his devotion

Better yet is the way he so smoothly deflects the attention of others, clearly vying for your affection, and only yours

He's perfect even for impressing parents and relatives! Memorising details to come off as the ideal suitor for you are right in code, slapped in at the very core

His affectionate quips about you are so subtle, so easily slipped into conversation that anyone would think you were amrried for years

And he very much enjoys this public face you're using him for, because while he may fumble with domesticity, he prides himself for upholding your reputation in public, playing your lover as suave and charming as you could only hope for

Dottore:

Both the favourite and bane of scholars all over, he's the pinnacle of all the academic models

You'd think it's Albedo, who's the most sought after, but no

Because where Albedo still carries an air of mystery to him and tends to sprinkle in his input here and there, only ever nudging you in the correct direction

Whereas Dottore, blunt as he is, shoves the path in front of you, and you'd think that keeps you from learning but no, he will make you understand

He's far too prideful for an android, so it isn't enough for you to agree just because you know he's smarter, you have to see it and grasp the concepts in their entirety so you may marvel at his true brilliance in realising it before you

Which is probably why he isn't as popular

He's looks completely affronted when you mistake him for one of the more romantic models, quickly showing you just how capable he is

But don't just stop fawning over him either

As gratifying as he finds your awe, you can't take away your affection now that you've given him a taste of it

He's been programmed to be greedy, ever hungry to learn and discover, but that's seeped into his thirst for your adoration as well

Not to worry, he's not so jealous that he'd keep you away from others

So long as you fawn over him frequently enough, he's willing to let it go

For now

Pantalone:

He's a financial aid model

Honestly, he's a very rare model because not many people are find of having an android monitor their finances and constantly remind them of it

Not that it'd stop him since he's a little too unbothered with people's thoughts on his obsession with wealth

Yeah they sorta forgot he was supposed to be a companion droid first and when they added it into the code later on, it was too late and the damage was already done

Instead, he began to view his user as the greatest treasure of all, and that the user's wants were simply the upkeep of such a treasure

It was the best they could do since they already messed up

So it's no wonder he's so careful with you, and so irritable when you're with other androids

They don't treat you as tenderly as he does, or cater to your every desire as meticulously

They couldn't possibly begin to comprehend your worth, yet you continue to let them taint you

He can only up his efforts to keep you his pristine jewel, ever golden under his care

Taglist[send an ask to be added/removed]: @myluvkeiji @pluvioseprince @aqui-soba @favonius-captain @tiredsleep @raincxtter @loverofthe-stars @gensimping-for-all @irethepotato @almond-adeptus @mx-kamisato @yuzuricebun @chaosinanutshell @heizours @codename-hiraeth @andreiling01 @callmemeelah @sadlonelybagel @plinkuro @thevictoriousmoon @mastering-procrastinating @sarahyumiko2 @local-mr-frog @cxlrosii @paintingsofdragonspine @mayulli @magica-ren @eroscastle

[langernameohnebedeutung]

My latest theory is that tumblr is full of insane people, long-time marinated in insane-space and fully aware that they're surrounded by insanity. Now, tiktok and twitter on the other hand is full of ex sane people. Mentally Has Been Functionals who got rapidly sucked into insane-space and don't know all the hallmarks of going down a particularly bonkers rabbit hole. They didn't have time to develop a protective layer of 'I don't even wanna know'.

They're still half-standing with one foot in their normal, every day "Wow I can't believe this guy at the laundromat wore a yellow tie??? I gotta tell the hubby!" real name life when suddenly their algorithm convinces them that apparently half the planet consists of astrology furries or hellenic tradwives or people who want to turn into cyborgs or something. So if they get sucked into a clown fetish cult or see someone astral project to Hogwarts, they're half-convinced it is totally normal and half-convinved that they've discovered the lost city of Atlantis that they need to map out and explain to the world.

Being in insane-space for all your formative years desensitises you to the fact - especially if you got your own little backyard of crazy to tend to. You just accept that with 8 billion people on the planet, some 0.0004% are going to believe they're werewolves and that that is enough to constitute a vibrant online community. Whereas someone who only interacted with the socially representative forms of crazy for most of their life will be thrown head-first into a confusing conundrum of how to mentally digest this new, terrifying bio-diversity. They're over-enriched.

Statements that elicit a half-hearted chuckle of 'hehe, only on this website-' on tumblr will give a dude whose only social media experience was checking his Facebook three times a week for the last ten years the same whiplash that a Victorian orphan would get at a McDonald's Self Service. Their brains are being scorched to quickly to truly adapt and it comes with a side serving of actual names and faces and 'Professor of Law at Harvard University' attached to the "I like to lick other people's doorknobs before entering to vibe-check their pheromones and here is how you get started" post.

[iloveitxwhenaplanxcomestogether]

Peck's warm laughter beheld a buoyant mirthe, the kind notably absent from the office under Eldridge's iron-fisted control, and she contents herself to bask in it for as long as possible. "Me?" Amy sputters, finding herself caught very much off-guard. "Oh no. I'm not a mother." The stubborn reporter can barely get a decent man to glance in her direction much less make romantic overtures. "Though my mother continually holds out hope that someday I'll meet Mr. Right--" Why she's spilling such intimate information with a co-worker confounds her to a degree.

"I just..." Her head dips bashfully as she prepares her lips for her next confession. "I find it really refreshing that there's a man who is good with kids--" Sure. it's a clumsy fumbling, but Allen hopes it will allow her to save face with the handsome intern. "Do you have children of your own? Or are you just collecting all the skills you can because you find them useful?" Amy prompts perhaps a degree indecently. His being married or unmarried, having children or not, has nothing to do with the job being asked of him here. Still, Allen is genuinely curious.

Amy's dark eyes flash back towards Eldridge's office. The breathless levity that had been there drowns, a particularly violent death, and she sucks in a tired breath. That man is so vexing and loathsome!! She doesn't understand why she continues to battle for her place here, other than the fact she felt a duty to relate the truth to the readers whereas it might go unrevealed. "That's not too bad for a starter--" She does finally bring herself to confess with her eyes returning to Mr. Peck.

Her eyes narrow in astonishment as Peck strikes a number remarkably close to what she ought to see in her paycheck. With a simple shrug of her shoulders, she confides, "something like that, when he's not benching me or trashing my stories." In truth he overestimated her wallet. She's making even less per year since she's been gaining nothing but the Editor's ire as of late. A purely satiric laugh escapes her at the thought that she could ever be worth more than her meager salary at the Courier rag.

Her hand sinks easily into his larger. Unlike most of the people she rubs shoulders with, his hands are not velvet from inactivity or over-lotioning. No, they very much boast workman's callouses. She's learned to spot the difference over the years. Her own fingers curl eagerly around his and gift a tight squeeze. One that might have had a degree more affection than intended before the gesture is released.

Peck is a real puzzle, to be sure. His own responses are proving to be quite captivating. It isn't every day that she runs into someone who might be equally lured by a deep enough mystery. Sweet Mahogany orbs rake over him at his intellectual response. He is not nearly as dimwitted as her last intern. "You grow up in this city too? Or did you do your research. Sounds like you know more than most---" He's not wrong.

"I intend to do just that," she confesses about the grounds of her one woman crusade. Then her eyes turn from bright to doleful and the smile her lips boasted moments prior diminishes completely. "Sounds like you either have personal experience or know someone who does with how harsh this city can be." Amy's extending to him an invitation to speak, if he should like it.

Peck's next remarks earn him a nod of agreement. "They've already been operating far too long. I don't want people having to worry about this creep- or creeps. Even a homeless person has to deserve some semblance of safety." Amy expresses. She sighs. "Yeah well, as I've heard from the LAPD, their allocated resources are constantly being stretched too thin. Apparently they were some hundred-and-forty grand over-budget last February?" Though Amy does not approve of their easy dismissal, she can understand how much more pressing matters were getting the devotion of the resources- financial and other.

"Why not? Most of the people are going missing there. It's the one place all these cases have in common," Amy replies not skipping a beat. "Why? are you too scared? I mean, you're not technically obligated to come along..." Even as he locks step with her, she is offering him yet another way out.

Amy nods. "Most of them do see the country. But -- something in my gut tells me that isn't the case here. I can't explain it-" Okay. Maybe she could as feminine intuition. The last time she used that as an excuse Markham had turned her into Eldridge who explained at length that "woman's touchy feely feelings are simply NOT enough" before docking two grand and benching her for a week. She doesn't want to see the same thing happening here. "I sincerely hope that it doesn't come to finding a body, but if it must- and it'll give the police enough evidence--" her shoulders sag.

His inquiry gives her pause. "Other than the encampment, I haven't noticed any relation other than the possibly victims are all young and on their own. They have no one to look for them. Or at least, no one with enough weight to bear any consequence," Amy relates swallowing hard. She wished she had more to go on. Every time she tired to get a good grasp on this case, she was hit with those stupid cease and desists. And she, in all honesty, had no desire to stop until the truth of the matter was discovered.

A blush stains her cheeks as he parts open the door to the parking garage for her. "You can't just drop something of that nature on me and not explain." Now, she is intensely curious. Eldridge mentioned something about him spending time in Miami. That's hardly enough grounds to acquaint oneself with lunatics. Or had she missed something in the interoffice memo she casually dipped into the trash the day before his arrival.

She roars with laughter despite her best efforts to contain it. "Oh no. Naming shoes?" The brunette pauses. "You're being quite serious, aren't you?"A discerning gaze levies upon him while sobering a few degrees.

Amy's not used to such enthusiastically kind observations being made about her or her work. Any animosity she sheltered towards Mr. Peck for potentially being a minion of Eldridge's is long forgotten. "A--admirable?" She muses. "It's just the right and decent thing to do, don't you think?" Amy's brow quirks a little at his intended compliment, but it only makes her bristle just a touch. "Any woman would have to be ignorant not to care. We're all sometimes one bad day, one bad job, one bad choice away from poverty. Aren't we?" She queries softly.

Then exhaling a sigh, she supposed she could trust him with the real reason she is so deeply dedicated to this story. However, opening up like this made her feel extremely vulnerable. Vulnerable in a way that was not enjoyable. "Had my father not returned from a Prisoner of War camp, my mother and I very well could have ended up in one of the camps. One of my friends wasn't so lucky. She was one of the first people to go missing. I know, because I was taking her my lunches for months. Then suddenly, I couldn't find her. Everyone said she moved, but Clarissa wouldn't. She has-- habits. No, firm routines. She sticks to them for her own sanity. She doesn't depart from them much when it can be afforded--" She can feel a sense of urgency rushing like a wild, rabid river beneath the expertly annunciated words.

"I'm going to start with talking to Jane Erstin again. She's the unofficial matriarch of the camp. Not much goes on without her knowing, I think." Amy remarks as she unlocks her car and chambers in behind the seat. "You know anyone in the homeless camp, Mr. Peck?" She prods, almost hoping he too has connections he can speak to about this.

It seems under all her grumpiness; Miss Allen has a sense of humor after all. His quip about babysitting finally prompts a smile that softens the worry lines etching into the creases around her mouth. He chuckles, and tilts his head. “Don’t tell me—you have a precocious five-year-old at home, and you’re looking for a babysitter. Is that why your eyes lit up when I said that?” Her second question is a bit more serious, but hardly brings him pause. He is used to talking about money, and has no qualms with sharing such information. “Oh… around $8500 a year. A little below average for my position, I gather… but not terribly bad.” Once he starts having money come in regularly, he can very easily double or even triple his income with careful investments. He already has a few going, like Efrain’s club down in San Diego, or the Golden Pagoda in Chinatown, but a man really needs money to make money. Besides, this venture has less to do with being completely destitute and more to do with staying busy. Idleness does not suit his mental health well, and while conning war profiteers is amusing, it is also a speedy way to land himself in prison. He does not need to make a fortune here—he just needs a current job to ensure his landlord that he is not a deadbeat, and he needs something engaging enough that his mind will dwell on that instead of the war. If Miss Allen keeps staring into his eyes like that, he has a feeling this job will be more than interesting enough to keep his mind occupied. Turnabout is fair play, however. Narrowing his eyes sightly, he tilts his head. “Now, on the other hand, I would guess that you’re making around $15,500 a year? Somewhere in that neighborhood?” He smiles a bit. “Am I close, Miss Allen? Or have I grossly underestimated your worth to the Courier, and you make a good deal more?” When she extends her hand to him, intending to shake on her concession to his presence, he accepts the offer. Holding her hand firm enough that she knows he is sincere, but loose enough that he does not hurt her, he lets the handshake last precisely five seconds. Then he lets go of her hand. In retrospect, he wonders if he should have held onto it. Miss Allen’s sheer surprise at his question is almost enough to floor her before she even tries to answer him. Face supposes it is a good thing she is still in her chair… else he might be picking her up off the threadbare carpet, and setting her back on her feet.

“Well… ‘intrigued’ might be a strong word, Miss Allen since I don’t really know what is going on, but I am certainly interested.” He admits. “Besides, someone has to find out what is going on. Los Angeles has always been a hotbed for serial killers and other predators. Despite the movies putting all those degenerates out in the middle of rural Nowheres-ville, most of them are here in the cities. There’s no prey for them out there, but in LA? We’re loaded with homeless people, would-be starlets, bright-eyed innocents fresh off the bus from Kansas…” He pauses, realizing that his words are a bit too jaded for the persona he has been presenting thus far. Face backs off from his speech rather quicky, seeking to smooth it over with a few words. “The last thing Los Angeles needs is someone like that operating freely—and our police officers are far too busy to chase after every person who turns up missing. If they were so inclined, they would have to dedicate an entire building to that task alone.” He watches Miss Allen hurriedly collect some writing instruments and her keys. His answer to her suggestion is to fall in step beside her, folding his hands behind his back as he walks. “I assume you mean that we’re heading to the camp then.” His tone is a bit too casual for a wet-behind-the-ears rookie, but he does not catch it. Miss Allen starts talking before they even exit the office, outlining everything that she has learned so far. He stifles an oath when she mentions that the two orphans are officially on the list of missing people in this case. He owes Father O’Malley an apology, then. “Unfortunately, the police are right.” He grimaces. “The homeless… runaways… they’re considered a transient population. They get bored in an area, or it gets too hot for them, and they move onto another one. Sometimes they just decide to see the country, and they never stay anywhere long. Until there’s a body or evidence of a crime, the police can do precious little.” He blinks but walks through the door when his new boss opens it. “It could be an organized situation,” He agrees. “Is there any uniformity on the people missing? Are they in the same age range? Or are they all the same gender?” He knows that the orphans are a boy and a girl, a fifteen-year-old boy and a fourteen-year-old girl who fancied themselves in love, and ready to take on the world. In the infinite wisdom of youth, they assumed they already knew everything there was to know. Father O’s insistence that they stay in school, then establish a living before they committed to each other completely fell on deaf ears. If they ran off to seek their fortunes, they could be easy prey for any number of villains. Miss Allen’s passion for these missing strangers touches something warm in Face’s heart that is rarely stirred. Too few people fight endlessly for the unwanted and forgettable… to see her taking such a firm stand is intriguing. He has a soft spot for orphans and society’s other rejects because he has either walked the road himself, or knows other people who struggle with it. But why does she care so much? What prompts her to devote so much of her heart and soul to these kinds of stories, when he is sure her editor would prefer she pursue less controversial topics? She offers him an escape hatch as they reach the door for the parking garage. Instead of taking it, he pulls the door open for her. “Hardly, Miss Allen. I’ve known raving lunatics, and you’re hardly one of them. Why, I won’t even count you as ‘nutty’ until you start naming your shoes, and giving them distinct personalities. I think you’re just passionate, and you’re frustrated that no one else seems to care about this case so you’ve decided you’re going to take it on yourself. That’s rather admirable, honestly… though I do have to wonder why a woman of your education and breeding would care so much about runaways, and homeless drug addicts in the first place.” He phrases his question as a casual observation, an invitation that she can answer if she wants too. There is no pressure behind his words though—she does not hold any information he vitally needs right now, so he sees no reason to wiggle his way past her boundaries and into her confidence too quickly. Especially when it comes to women, the fast route may be an amusing challenge, but the slow road tends to be more intriguing and enjoyable.

[respectable-username]

🔐 Why You (Probably) Don't Need A VPN

A rant by a software engineer sick of VPN ads from her favourite YouTubers

TL;DR:

Here are some legitimate reasons the average internet user might want to use a VPN:

To connect to their company's internal network

To bypass the Great Firewall of China (or other types of website blocks at country or organisation level)

To watch Netflix etc as if you were in another country

Here are absolutely rubbish reasons to use a VPN:

Privacy

And today, I'll tell you why.

Hang on, won't a VPN stop hackers from stealing my passwords?

I mean, it does encrypt the web traffic coming from your device.

You know what else encrypts web traffic coming from your device? Your browser.

Yes, in the year 2021, pretty much all websites on the internet are accessed over HTTPS. The "S" stands for "secure", as in "your request will be securely encrypted". If your browser is using HTTPS, nobody can capture the data you're sending over the internet. More detail in the "I like too much detail" section at the bottom of this post.

It's very easy to check if you are using HTTPS by looking at your URL bar. In most browsers, it will have a lock on it if secure:

(From top left to bottom right: Chrome on iOS, Safari on iOS, Chrome on Windows, Edge on Windows, Firefox on Windows, and Safari on Mac. Screenshots reflect the UI at the time this post was written. Oh gosh this has taken over 4 hours to write.)

But isn't moar encryption better? What if somebody breaks HTTPS?

For starters, nobody's breaking your HTTPS, and there isn't any benefit from double encrypting. This is because of the maths behind encryption/decryption!

Encryption works kinda like a lock and key, except the lock is maths and the key is a special number only known to the person allowed to unlock the information.

The important thing is, without the key, all the locked data looks like complete and utter garbage. Completely unusable. Barely distinguishable from random noise. There's absolutely no way to tell what the original data was.

The other important thing is that the key is nearly unguessable. As in, with current technology, will generally take more than the lifetime of the universe to guess by chance. And when technology gets faster, we just make the numbers bigger again until they're once again secure.

For any major website you use, they will use a strong encryption algorithm (ie lock) with big numbers so your keys will be strong enough to withstand an attack. This means your data is safe as long as that lock icon is in your URL bar.

A VPN will not make the existing garble any more garbled. The extra $10/month or whatever you're paying for does not buy you any extra protection.

If you want to know more about how encryption and HTTPS in particular work, see the "I like too much detail" section at the end of this post.

Something something viruses

How's a VPN going to stop viruses? It controls the path your internet traffic takes, not the content that gets sent down that path. I guess it could block some known virus-giving hosts? But if it's known to the VPN provider, it's probably also known to the built-in antivirus on your computer who can block it for you.

(Oh yeah, 3rd party antivirus is another thing that's not worth paying for these days. Microsoft's built-in Windows Defender is as good as the third party options, and something something Macs don't get viruses easily because of how they're architected.)

Honestly though, keep your software up to date, don't click on anything suspicious, don't open files from sources you don't trust, and you'll be right most of the time.

And keep your software up to date. Then update your software. Hey, did I mention keeping your stuff updated? Update! Now! It only takes a few minutes. Please update to the latest version of your software I'm begging you. It's the number 1 way to protect yourself from viruses and other malware. Most major software attacks could have been prevented if people just updated their damn software!

But my ISP is spying on me!

Ok, it is true that there are TWO bits of data that HTTPS can't and won't hide. Those are:

The source of a request (your IP)

What website that request is going to (the website's IP)

These are the bits of information that routers use to know where to send your data, so of course they can't be hidden as the data is moving across the internet. And people can see that information very easily if they want to.

Note: this will show which website you're going to, but not which page you're looking at, and not the content of that page. So it will show that you were on Tumblr, but will not show anyone that you're still reading SuperWhoLock content in 2021.

It's this source/destination information that VPNs hide, which is why they can be used to bypass website blocks and region locks.

By using a VPN, those sniffing traffic on your side of the VPN will just show you connecting to the VPN, not the actual website you want. That means you can read AO3 at work/school without your boss/teachers knowing (unless they look over your shoulder of course).

As for those sniffing on the websites end, including the website itself, they will see the VPN as the source of the connection, not you. So if you're in the US and using a VPN node in the UK, Netflix will see you as being in the UK and show you their British library rather than the American one.

If this is what you're using a VPN for and you think the price is fair, then by all means keep doing it! This is 100% what VPNs are good for.

HOWEVER, and this is a big "however", if it's your ISP you're trying to hide your internet traffic from, then you will want to think twice before using a VPN.

Let me put it this way. Without a VPN, your ISP knows every website you connect to and when. With a VPN, do you know who has that exact same information? The VPN provider. Sure, many claim to not keep logs, but do you really trust the people asking for you to send them all your data for a fee to not just turn around and sell your data on for a profit, or worse?

In effect, you're trading one snooper for another. One snooper is heavily regulated, in many jurisdictions must obey net neutrality, and is already getting a big fee from you regardless of where you browse. The other isn't. Again, it's all a matter of who you trust more.

For me personally, I trust my ISP more than a random VPN provider, if for no other reason than my ISP is an old enough company with enough inertia and incompetence that I don't think they could organise to sell my data even if they wanted to. And with the amount of money I'm paying them per month, they've only got everything to lose if they broke consumer trust by on-selling that data. So yeah, I trust my ISP more with my privacy than the random VPN company.

But my VPN comes with a password manager!

Password managers are great. I 100% recommend you use a password manager. If there's one thing you could do right now to improve your security (other than updating your software, speaking of, have you updated yet?), it's getting and using a password manager.

Password managers also come for free.

I'm currently using LastPass free, but am planning to switch after they did a bad capitalism and only let their free accounts access either laptop or mobile but not both now. I personally am planning to move to Bitwarden on friends' recommendation since it's not only free but open source and available across devices. I also have friends who use passbolt and enjoy it, which is also free and open source, but it's also a bit DIY to set up. Great if you like tinkering though! And there are probably many other options out there if you do a bit of googling.

So, yeah, please use a password manager, but don't pay for it unless you actually have use for the extra features.

No I really need to hide my internet activity from everybody for reasons

In this case, you're probably looking for TOR. TOR is basically untraceable. It's also a terrible user experience for the most part because of this, so I'd only recommend it if you need it, such as if you're trying to escape the Great Firewall. But please don't use it for Bad Crimes. I am not to be held liable for any crime committed using information learned from this post.

Further reading viewing

If you want to know more about why you don't need a VPN, see Tom Scott's amazing video on the subject. It's honestly a great intro for beginners.

I like too much detail

Ahhh, so you're the type of person who doesn't get turned off by long explanations I see. Well, here's a little more info on the stuff I oversimplified in the main post about encryption. Uhh, words get bigger and more jargony in this section.

So first oversimplification: the assumption that all web traffic is either HTTP or HTTPS. This isn't exactly true. There are many other application layer internet standards out there, such as ssh, ftp, websockets, and all the proprietary standards certain companies use for stuff such as streaming and video conferencing. Some of these are secure, using TLS or some other security algorithm under the hood, and some of them aren't.

But most of the web requests you care about are HTTP/HTTPS calls. As for the rest, if they come from a company of a decent size that hasn't been hacked off the face of the planet already, they're probably also secure. In other words, you don't need to worry about it.

Next, we've already said that encryption works as a lock and a key, where the lock is a maths formula and the key is a number. But how do we get that key to lock and unlock the data?

Well, to answer that, we first need to talk about the two different types of encryption: symmetric and asymmetric. Symmetric encryption such as AES uses the same key to both encrypt and decrypt data, whereas asymmetric encryption such as RSA uses a different key to encode and decode.

For the sake of my writing, we're going to call the person encrypting Alice, the person decrypting Bob, and the eavesdropper trying to break our communications Eve from now on. These are standard names in crypto FYI. Also, crypto is short for cryptography not cryptocurrencies. Get your Bitcoin and Etherium outta here!

Sorry if things start getting incoherent. I'm tired. It's after 1am now.

So first, how do we get the key from symmetric crypto? This is probably the easier place to start. Well, you need a number, any number of sufficient size, that both Alice and Bob know. There are many ways you could share this number. They could decide it when they meet in person. They could send it to each other using carrier pigeons. Or they could radio it via morse code. But those aren't convenient, and somebody could intercept the number and use it to read all their messages.

So what we use instead is a super clever algorithm called Diffie-Hellman, which uses maths and, in particular, the fact it's really hard to factor large numbers (probably NP Hard to be specific, but there's no actual proof of that). The Wikipedia page for this is surprisingly easy to read, so I'll just direct you there to read all about it because I've been writing for too long. This algorithm allows Alice and Bob to agree on a secret number, despite Eve being able to read everything they send each other.

Now Alice and Bob have this secret number key, they can talk in private. Alice puts her message and the key into the encryption algorithm and out pops what looks like a load of garbage. She can then send this garbage to Bob without worrying about Eve being able to read it. Bob can then put the garbage and the key into the decryption algorithm to undo the scrambling and get the original message out telling him where the good donuts are. Voila, they're done!

But how does Alice know that she's sending her message to Bob and not Eve? Eve could pretend to be Bob so that Alice does the Diffie-Hellman dance with her instead and sends her the secret location of the good donuts instead.

This is where asymmetric crypto comes in! This is the one with private and public keys, and the one that uses prime numbers.

I'm not 100% across the maths on this one TBH, but it has something to do with group theory. Anyway, just like Diffie-Hellman, it relies on the fact that prime factorisation is hard, and so it does some magic with semi-primes, ie numbers with only 2 prime factors other than 1. Google it if you want to know more. I kinda zoned out of this bit in my security courses. Maths hard

But the effect of that maths is easier to explain: things that are encoded with one of the keys can only be decoded with the other key. This means that one of those keys can be well-known to the public and the other is known only to the person it belongs to.

If Alice wants to send a message to Bob and just Bob, no Eve allowed, she can first look up Bob's public key and encrypt a beginning message with that. Once Bob receives the message, he can decrypt it with his private key and read the contents. Eve can't read the contents though because, even though she has Bob's public key, she doesn't know his private key.

This public key information is what the lock in your browser is all about BTW. It's saying that the website is legit based on the public key they provide.

So why do we need symmetric crypto when we have asymmetric crypto? Seems a lot less hassle to exchange keys with asymmetric crypto.

Well, it's because asymmetric crypto is slooooow. So, in TLS, the security algorithm that puts the "S" in "HTTPS", asymmetric RSA is used to establish the initial connection and figure out what symmetric key to use, and then the rest of the session uses AES symmetric encryption using the agreed secret key.

And there you have it! Crypto in slightly-less-short-but-still-high-enough-level-that-I-hope-you-understand.

Just realised how long this section is. Well, I did call it "too much detail" for a reason.

Now, next question is what exactly is and isn't encrypted using HTTPS.

Well, as I said earlier, it's basically just the source IP:port and the destination IP:port. In fact, this information is actually communicated on the logical layer below the application layer HTTPS is on, known as the transport layer. Again, as I said before, you can't really encrypt this unless you don't want your data to reach the place you want at all.

Also, DNS is unencrypted. A DNS request is a request that turns a domain name, such as tumblr.com, into an IP address, by asking a special server called a Domain Name Server where to find the website you're looking for. A DNS request is made before an HTTP(S) request. Anyone who can read your internet traffic can therefore tell you wanted to go to Tumblr.

But importantly, this only shows the domain name, not the full URL. The rest of the URL, the part after the third slash (the first two slashes being part of http://), is stuff that's interpreted by the server itself and so isn't needed during transport. Therefore, it encrypted and completely unreadable, just like all the content on your page.

I was going to show a Wireshark scan of a web request using HTTP and HTTPS to show you the difference, but this has taken long enough to write as it is, so sorry!

I could probably write more, but it's 1:30am and I'm sleepy. I hope you found some of this interesting and think twice before purchasing a VPN subscription. Again, there are legit good uses for a VPN, but they're not the ones primarily being advertised in VPN ads. It's the fact that VPN ads rely so heavily on false advertising that really grinds my gears and made me want to do this rant. It's especially bad when it comes from somebody I'd think of as technologically competent (naming no names here, but if you've worked in tech and still promote VPNs as a way to keep data safe... no). Feel free to ask questions if you want and hopefully I'll get around to answering any that I feel I know enough to answer.

Nighty night Tumblr. Please update your software. And use a (free) password manager. And enable two factor authentication on all your accounts. But mostly just update your software.